The day where I wanted to do nothing

Apparently, I'm making a habit of waiting until 11 PM to write. 

Nothing exciting occurred today, other than me waking up and experiencing the day! Have to throw my sunshiney positivity around as much as I can when I have it. I've been experiencing major ups and downs, and some days it's a struggle. Like today. It was rainy and gloomy and I didn't want to do a damn thing.

But I did. I taught two yoga classes, went to Michaels, finished some art, and made some amazing chicken fried rice.

As long I write something today, it counts. Right? 

So this is my blog post for today, and I'll leave you with a little sneak peek of what I want to write about tomorrow...

Day 2.

Nothing fancy today. It's 11:05 and I'm just now sitting down to write. I'm more worried about my health and my finances, and my utter inability to be productive, than what I'm going to write.

Over the weekend I had some really weird stomach issues. Indigestion, perhaps. Bloatedness, a lot of gassiness, feeling incredibly uncomfortable all weekend. It started after a morning protein shake on Friday and progressed. I tried to not eat much on Sunday, knowing it had been a rough weekend on my body. Every night going to bed feeling unsettled if I laid on my right side, finding comfort on my left. The beer on Friday night and the slight hangover on Saturday definitely didn't help. Today I woke up feeling a bit better, but still wanting to take it easy. I had two massage clients today, so I ate after my first.

During the afternoon I had absolutely no desire to do anything, so I sat at my dining room table and watched art tutorials. Feeling bad for myself and guilty that I wasn't doing more around the house. This feeling comes up everytime my man works from home because my lack of ambition is on full display for someone else.

I also felt really tired like I just wanted to take a nap, so I laid down in bed at one point and started to re-watch Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Hulu.

Here I am at 11:11 now recalling how after I came home and ate, I laid back down to finish watching JC Superstar and starting really noticing how I felt. Started paying attention to how my left arm ached slightly, how my upper left abdomen was doing its fluttery thing that it does every so often. And now I'm worried that I'm possibly having some sort of heart issue.

This happened before back in December. It was to the point where my boyfriend drove me to the ER at 1 AM, but I couldn't make myself go in. I don't have insurance (haven't had it for a year), and I'm terrified of my hospital bills. I'm also not working steadily and I'm in this weird financial space that I'm kind of freaking out about, and I'm wondering if maybe I'm a hypochondriac who has panic attacks that manifest as physical symptoms whenever things feel like they are out of control.

God, I know I sound horrid in this light. I guess I just need this space to vent and get this all out so I'm not holding onto it before I go to sleep. This is definitely not where I anticipated tonight's entry going.

So I'm going to be real... *run on sentence time because I'm typing as I think*

I'm sad. I'm afraid that I'm having a heart attack at 33 and wont be able to go to the doctor because I'm terrified of the medical bills because I don't have a steady "job" because I am doing massage and teaching yoga and I had the "bright" idea that I could build my own practice so now I have to pay rent tomorrow for a new space and I don't even know enough people here to get clients and im afraid that my loving and quiet boyfriend is slowly going to resent me because im messy and I can't contribute financially to our relationship and all I want to be able to do is pay rent, get my car fixed, go out on dates and be able to pay for art supplies. And then I'm worried about my family and the boundaries that I had to put in place around my relationship with my mom and it's not lost on me that she's freaking out about heart problems at 60 and here I am at 33 freaking out about the same things. Even though I don't smoke and I have been working on processing my emotions and experiences I feel disconnected from my heart and the space that I want to feel and love from and damnit I want to see a therapist but again I feel like I can't afford anything in my life right now and I've been spending money on random art supplies and I'm just stressed and is this my bodies way of telling me to slow down and breathe or is she signaling to me that something deeper is occurring? why do I feel so lost and confused and sad and lonely?

I'm trying so hard to stay even slightly positive because for fuck's sake I have a man who loves me and supports me and isn't actually harboring resentment against me it's just my baggage that I need to set the fuck down, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to constantly wonder what is going on internally, and I want to be happy and settled and feel secure and stable. and I want to get all these damn bills taken care of and I want to be able to pay my own way.

There is so much heavy shit that is trying to come to the surface that I'm not surprised I'm feeling this way. Even as I'm typing and breathing I feel heavy, weighted down. Scared as if I can't move forward. And these are just words that I'm typing. I'm not even actually processing and acknowledging. Fuck, I'm messed up

On the bright side..I won an eBay auction for 36 brand new gelatos. Even though while I was waiting for the bidding to end I was having actual heart palpitations where I was super aware of my heart beating.

Maybe sleeping will help me with this after all. Go to bed, breathe, review my day through gratitude while cuddling up next to my man. Is it morbid to say that I pray that I wake up?

Heyyyy! It’s the April blog along!

I’m going to be blogging everyday in April...This is definitely not an April fools joke!

Well, I’m going to do my damndest to write and post everyday. It shall be an interesting experiment in consistency and follow through. 

I expect for some days to be light and fluffy and other days to be simply silly with nothing that makes sense, and the occasional day where I dive deep into the pool of introspection. 

It’s still the 1st, so I’m doing great!

I spent the day with my boyfriend’s family. Eating, visiting the cutest skittish pup, and an engaging Easter egg hunt, ending the evening watching the Jesus Christ Superstar Live musical.

It’s been a weekend driving back and forth between our house and the small town where his family’s home base is. An hour each way. I don’t mind it because I’m not the one driving, but I check in with my man regularly to see how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking about, and trying to find ways to take his mind off the monotony of the same drive over and over again. 

It’s time for me to sign off as I’m writing this on my phone in the dark because I want to make sure I start with everyone else. I’m in the energy of the group, surrounded by those I don’t yet know but hope to get more intimately acquainted with, sharing the beauty and wonder of our daily experiences, perspectives and adventures. 

500 Words. Day 7. Rest Day.

Today was a rest day. I called off because I still felt exhausted, and the start of my cycle occurred last night. The second day is always the worst with the cramps and the fatigue. 

I didn’t leave my bed, except to get tea in the morning, and once to check the weather outside. I really stayed in bed all day. Reading, watching tv shows on Hulu, wasting time. At first I felt great with taking this much needed rest, but as the day turned into night, I started feeling as if I *should* have accomplished something. How can I write on Instagram that it’s not selfish to take this time, that if you know what your body needs you should honor it, yet I turn around and feel guilt and embarrassment for doing absolutely nothing today?

Can I stretch out 500 words about me staying in bed all day, sleeping till 11, and doing nothing?

Mynx has been on the bed for most of the day with me, either curled up in a ball next to my feet, or sleeping on my lap. Honestly, I don’t think this is out of the ordinary for her, I actually feel that I’m getting a glimpse into what occurs everyday when I’m not here. She is very calm, and doesn’t ever cause any trouble. Except for when her cat tree was close enough to my turntable, and she decided to use the two as stairs to climb onto my dresser to knock over my tiny statues of Hindu deities, and push my candles around. I quickly stopped that habit by simply moving her cat tree over. Now she doesn't lay on it anymore, but this morning I did see her actually use it as as a scratching post! Success comes in many ways, and not always the ways you think.

I feel that I’m limiting myself with this writing “challenge”. I think that I’m not allowing myself to go far enough, to dig deep enough, not putting enough thought into it to make it worthwhile and interesting. I see all of these other people and what they are writing, and it’s I N T E R E S T I N G. Not my writing. Who cares that I’ve stayed in bed all day? That I’m barely scratching the surface of my feelings of guilt around taking care of myself. Is this an indication of how I live my life and interact with people? Giving them just enough to know that I’m human, that I have feelings and emotions, that I experience things, but never opening up enough to really connect? 

I’m craving connection and community with earnest at the moment. This is what happens when I lay in bed all day and realize that no one really knows about it. I’ve only had a few people tell me that they wish they could help me feel better in some way. Other people haven't even noticed. Come to think of it, most of the people that I call “friends” are people that I have to reach out to an initiate contact and conversation with. Do I even have people in my life who are interested enough in me to reach out first? Is this the shit that is going to come up and I’ll have to work through this year? It’s always something. And this entry definitely ended on a different level than I anticipated. 

500 Words. Day 6. Nothing of Interest.

Sniffling. Sneezing. Blowing my nose. Repeat. If i try to recall how today went, that is all that comes to mind. I’m tired of telling people that “I’m not sick.” I know my body, and I know how I feel when my body is working through allergies or a cold. Whatever. I’m just going to start telling people i’m sick so they will leave me the hell alone. 

If you can’t tell, i’m just a *little* bit cranky. I get like this when I don’t feel in prime health. All I want right now is to be laying down with someone who is playing with my hair. Simple relaxation and rest, and the comfort of another human being in close contact. Whenever I feel in ill health (whether it’s allergies, or actual sickness), I crave connection, and physical contact. I received so many hugs today because i simply needed that touch. The other best part of my day was laying on the couch in my break room at work, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. The few minutes of quiet meditation after that were alright as well.

I really don’t have much more to say today. It was cold and snowy, and nothing of interest happened to me. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are simply filler days to get me through the week. I go to work, do what needs to be done, talk to people, connect with coworkers, and then come home. They simply pass by in a blur. 

I sat and stared at the screen for several minutes just now. To me, this is the moment when I need to turn my computer off, lay in bed, and drift off to sleep. 

500 Words. Day 5. Catching up and cookies.

Not my cookies, but these do look delicious

Catching is up hard to do. I heard that once, maybe read it. Was it in a song? A movie? I just googled it, and apparently it’s a paper that analyzes the long term income of college graduates. Not exactly what I was talking about.

1500 words. Here we go…

I haven’t written since Thursday, and that was by choice. The Coach was in town, and I realized that I like to devote my time to him when he’s here. I tend to limit my time not only on social media, but also on my computer and on some work that needs to be done. I can’t help it. When you only see someone for 36 hours a week, you make choices. So this meant no writing, no vlog recording, no class planning. I am getting better at setting time restrictions though. I actually made it to work a bit early this morning because I finally respected my morning routine. 

It’s all a continuous work in progress.

That’s what happens when you let someone into your life, and you slowly let your guard down. 

I also told the Ranger that I couldn't spend the weekend with him. No fancy dresses or dinner for me. I’m being an “adult” by being financially responsible, and tracking my income/spending for the next month to better assist the major transition thats about to happen in my life.

I have so much on my to do list this evening. I feel as though I’m procrastinating, even with this writing being something to check off. Class sequencing, finding music, planning for a social media marketing meeting, creating flyers, recording my vlog.

…………….

This Saturday we went to a vegan food workshop that was being hosted by my yoga studio. It was low-key and very informative. I already knew some of the information that she shared about animal cruelty and the environmental implications, and learned some new things as well. I was really excited about the recipes, and I can’t wait to try them. As I was walking around Trader Joe’s this evening, I started researching how to make my own almond milk because the one recipe we learned about was hot chocolate! The presenter talked about how she makes her own almond milk, and it seems to be a very easy process. One more thing for me to use my vitamix for!

…………….

It’s now Monday evening. I was so tired last night that I couldn't continue. I was also stressing, so I focused on something else. What I’m not going to do is hold myself to this 2000 word mark since its now been four days. I will write what I want to write and as much as I want to write and that all be that. I’m resting at the moment after taking what was probably the hottest bath ever. Ever since Sunday morning, my sinuses have been acting up and draining, and today I felt foggy and tired. I know my body, and I know that I am not sick. Whatever is going on is allergy related because I keep sneezing. Always twice. This is all because of Saturday. Walking outside for 90 minutes while it was 40º, and then standing outside for 2+ hours when it was below 35º later that evening. PGH taco truck tacos are that good, but now I’m wondering if they were worth  me feeling like this today.

I was walking around Giant Eagle this evening after working at the spa, and I had ZERO patience for people. Someone broke a jar of honey and it was just laying on the floor next to a yellow “Caution: wet floor sign”. I should have taken a picture. As I was walking through the aisles, I realized that I was simply staring at the shelves and not really looking for anything. Plus the people walking past me were walk confused by the broken bottle of honey in the middle of the aisle, and had no idea what to do. If I wasn’t feeling like a walking zombie, I probably would have laughed at this. Anyways. I went there for two things: peach salsa, and jalapeño guacamole, and they didn't have either of them! I hardly ever shop there, and when I do decide to go, they don't have what I want. I ended up buying cookies. Great compromise.

I’m going to go eat some more of my cookies (because I can), and plan out the rest of my week. I would love to talk about how I’m freaking out because I have no idea how I’m going to accomplish everything that I should be doing, but I’m going to eat cookies.

500 Words. Day 4. Being Seen.

Tonight is going to be a practice in how fast I can write 500 words. Whenever I have to work at 8 am on Thursdays and Fridays I like to be in bed by 11 pm the night before. Of course this rarely happens, but it’s something I strive for. 

I’m sitting on my bed, does that count? No. Okay, fine.

I had so much planned for today, and none of it got accomplished. Car inspection, hair cut, writing, recording, class sequence planning, marketing. None of it. I did accomplish a meeting with one of my spa owners about assisting with the marketing, I had three massage sessions, and I received a massage, so the day wasn’t a total waste. 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I had no idea that by agreeing to teach a yoga class would cause me to dust off my marketing hat and wear it again. I love it though, even if it is a teensy teensy bit scary.

I have this fear of putting myself out there and failing, or being ridiculed.

BUT, the good thing is, according to my standards I have already failed and I’m still going! The only advertising I did for my Monday morning yoga class was a post on my Facebook page along with an instagram post. I knew no one was going to show up, and I was okay with that. Kind of. I haven’t done any marketing this week for it, so I’m assuming no one is going to show up next Monday. So there, failure with a big fat capital F. But I’m still here, still breathing, still excited about teaching. 

It’s uncomfortable, that’s for sure. I don’t know how to put myself out there and tell people about my classes. I am now offering a Sunday evening Yin class at the same studio, so that is one more thing that I get to tell people about. How do I market my classes? I have no idea, but I guess the beautiful thing about my word of the year (SEEN) is that no matter what I do, it’s progress!

How can I be seen today? 

I keep asking myself that. I’m putting myself out there by being here, showing up to the page every day. My blogging challenge. Instagram posts. Asking the owner of my spa to sit down and chat about marketing plans. I’m putting the energy out there that I’m a big deal and that I know what I’m doing. I’m showing the universe and the world that I am ready to be seen, and that is what I’m going to continue to do. Even if what I really want to do is lay in bed all day and surf the internet and eat Scandinavian Swimmers (those fuckers are going to be the bane of my fitness challenge). I did that a little bit this morning, minus the Scandinavian Swimmers, but I could feel my old habit of fear taking over action creeping up. I forced myself to get out of bed though. I’m so much happier that I did! See, today was an accomplishment!

500 Words. Day 3. My hips don't lie

I’m finding that it’s easier to write these days using the prompts that Ive been giving for my vlogging challenge. Taking my mind off of the task to try to figure out what to write, so that my fingers can simply fly over the keys as the words spill out. I’ve finished recording my video for today, and decided to start writing while it’s processing.

Today’s prompt is fitting perfectly with my desire to write about embodiment: what made you happy and sad today. If this isn’t a loaded fucking question with the way my life is at the moment.

Off topic: I bought a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joe’s. It’s their fancy, adult version of fruit snacks. They are fucking addictive. A serving size is 9, and I’ve only had them since last night, and the bag is already 2/3 of the way gone. This is why I can’t have sweets around me. I just want to gorge myself. Sugar is way to addictive for me.

Anyways… Was that a form of procrastination?

While I was working today, I noticed that my right hamstrings and my right gluten were sore and starting to hurt. As they day progressed, the pain was getting more noticeable, and it felt as if my entire right hip wanted nothing more than to tighten up and stop working. Subtle waves of nausea would hit me when I would need to lift my hip to walk, or if I shifted my weight from my right leg to my left. All I wanted to do was stretch my leg. Modified pigeon on a chair (because I have to stand all fucking day at work) or bending over into forward fold. But today was the day I decided to wear a dress to work because it was going to be 64º in February. So I suffered. 

As soon as I was done, I drove straight home and proceeded to lay on my floor and stretch the living daylights out of my hips. Nothing helped, and as I continued the nausea increase and then slowly morphed into sadness. 

The desire to cry was so there, but the emotion wouldn’t come. It lingered, simmering just below the surface. 

I went to the yoga studio (how fucking cool is it that I now have a studio to go practice in because i teach there?!) for class and since no one showed up I got to practice at my own pace. On my way home it hit me: I’m sad about how everything turned out with my home situation. I know that what is going on is for the best, but I am upset that I have to move AGAIN, after moving in September. I’m also upset because I really like the area that I live in, and even thought I’m super excited about where I am moving, It frustrates the hell out of me that I just came back to this neighborhood and now I’m leaving. I just want to yell and scream and cry. It’s overwhelming. 

To add a fucking cherry on top, I’m starting to get anxious about money, but that's a whole different blog topic. 

500 Words. Day 2. The color red

Here I am: at the blank page, the cursor blinking, and I don’t want to talk about embodiment coaching. I feel like I have so much to do, and I haven’t accomplished any of it. 

It’s now 11:00 at night, and I wanted to be in bed at this time. Taxes sidetracked me. I’m realizing that this year I’m going to need to have an accountant do my taxes for me. I guess that’s a good thing, right? 

Ok, what shall we discuss this evening? Don’t worry, I will be talking about embodiment coaching and yoga sometime soon, but not tonight. I just need to pound these words out and go to sleep. 

Shit. I didn’t even get to get my food ready for tomorrow. This is what happens when it’s wellness challenge time at work. 4 weeks of logging food, exercise, weight loss/gain/maintenance. I want to do well with this because this is the only time of the year that I give a shit about logging food and paying attention to what kind of exercise I do. All for a prize. I guess I’m easily motivated. Thankfully I am not competing against anyone because that would royally suck! I can hardly get the things done during the day that I have planned out, so I know there is no way that I would be able to compete against someone else when it comes to workouts, calories burned, blah blah blah.

I hope this is all very entertaining. I have no plans on editing this because I want to go to sleep. I’m not even tired, but I have to be to work at 9:30, and when I work all day at my main job I feel like I have no time to do anything else.

Looking at this entry, I really should have started this with “Dear diary.”

Ok. 200 more words to go.

I vlog-ed today about the color red. It was the prompt we were given. I rambled on about my work shirt, my badass vitamix, and my favorite water bottle. I can’t believe that I completely forgot to talk about Rubi! She is my most favorite red item that I own. I hope she doesn’t mind. 

The color red. I don’t have many clothes that are red. I think I may own a pair of underwear and a tank top that are red, but that’s it. I look good in red lipstick which I only learned last summer. I really should do my makeup more often, red brings out the green depths of my eyes. 

I find red to be passion, fiery hotness. It’s bold confidence. I despise wearing red at work though because I feel that in a retail environment it causes a subtle aggressive energy. I can’t wait for us to stop wearing red, but I have no idea when or if that will happen.

Did you know that red is associated with the root chakra? It’s all about stability, home, groundedness in your environment. Another topic for me to revise in a later blog entry.

500 Words. Day 1. Starting over because I can.

I’m starting over. I love Mondays, and the first day of the month is my favorite. Both of these things happened today, so I decided that I’m starting over. I’m sure it’s not going to affect anything, but I figured I would tell you.

The Coach told me a few weeks ago that I write the way that I talk. That is one of the reasons that I’ve struggled with writing recently. I want to be able to weave stories together, enrapture people with my words. I don’t feel that I do that with my verbal storytelling, so it’s not going to happen with my written words. YET.

I’m participating in a “Vlog everyday in February” group, and that’s a new thing for me also! My hope is that as I continue to put myself in front of my camera (whether its my computer or my phone), that I will become more comfortable with my voice, more confident in my speaking, and have an easier time being able to step into story telling mode.

Writing AND recording myself everyday in February? What the hell am i thinking? I have so much going on right now! I realized that I have four jobs that are going to be taking up my time. If you want to be technical it’s only three, since I haven’t really done anything with coaching,  but I want to so I'm counting it. 

The first one is the “normal”, steady job. I know what my hours are, it’s comfortable and “easy”. It’s only easy because I’ve been there for almost 5 years (March 4th will be here before I know it!). I still learn and put myself into new situations at work, but it’s retail, and I’ve been working retail for way to long now. So I don’t count that as a job that will put me outside of my comfort zone.

The spa. Also a “steady” job, but only because I know the hours that I’m available there. I never know if my day is going to be wide open, or if I will be completely booked. What I do love about my job here is that every session is different. I also have the ability to grow my business there with new clients and new offerings. I really want to teach yoga at the spa and host various workshops. I have been thinking over the past few days about different offerings for the spa, different ways to market and bring in new clients. I love it. 

The newest addition to my busy, busy work life is yoga teaching! I’m so fucking excited about this and terrified at the same time. I know that said I wanted to teach yoga at the spa, but I’m actually in charge of a dedicated class every week at the studio I’m working at. Monday mornings at 9:30 am. Rise and Shine bitches! With the studio, I’m going to be responsible for doing all sorts of marketing to get people to show up for my class. That is scary, but exciting. Way outside of my comfort zone. I did say that this year I wanted to be SEEN more, and this is my chance! I also want to teach a yin class at the studio, and this space would be perfect for workshops on embodiment coaching (if I ever get my fucking ass in motion with that.)

And that brings me to the *fourth* job. My embodiment coaching practice. The thing that I am in love with and ultimately terrified of. I sometimes feel like I don’t know enough about this to talk to people about it. I know it’s a bunch of hogwash bullshit, but because I hold it so close to my heart, I’m afraid to put it out there and fail at it. 

Since I so quickly typed out these 500 words, I want to spend some time tomorrow writing about my coaching. Even if that is scary, putting it out there should help me a little bit. Right? All of this work is essentially moving me towards a space where I have to be vulnerable in order to grow. And I feel that the most vulnerable thing for me at the moment is to be seen as a non perfect human being.