I'm tired.

So very tired.

When I show up to this page, I just write. Whatever comes to mind, letting the words spill out onto the page, my fingers flying over the keyboard. I can feel myself slightly disconnecting from this act, noticing the tiredness behind my eyes, how my neck hurts from the position I'm lying in. Listening to the music gently flowing through my headphones, hearing the gentle tap-tap-tapping of the keyboards just floating in and out as if dancing with the melody.

It's as if I am trying to disconnect my brain, use this page as my journal, and just write. And I seem to use way too many commas. I guess this is what happens when I just show up and write. Not even caring about the sentence structure, punctuation, or making any sense.

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I'm tired. I took a nap today. After stress eating two donuts. After having my mom call me to "keep me updated" that my grandmother has Stage 5 renal failure. They don't seem to know much else, other then they want to do dialysis, but there is something going on with her veins. I teared up a little after receiving this news, ate these two donuts, and then felt extreme fatigue wash over me.

This happens every time I have something stressful occur. My body just wants to sleep. So I took a nap. Waking up to go see new massage clients. Every time I see a client in my new space I'm thrilled. The energy is warm and inviting and supportive. But I'm afraid to put myself out there. That no one will come see me, that no one wants to experience the type of session I feel called to offer. But If I'm feeling called to offer it, then there is someone out there who needs it or who wants it.

WHY do I fear being seen? WHY do I fear being successful? WHY do I fear putting myself out there? The questions I keep asking myself every day, but I never dive deep enough to answer. I stay surface level.

I feel like I'm fulfilling some fucking plan that was laid out for me, it doesn't feel like my path, it doesn't feel like how my life should look. Maybe that is why I feel like I'm throwing myself against a cage every fucking day of my life. I feel this constriction in my chest like my energy is being held down.

I know that my energy is way too much for this body, and now that I'm writing, it is way too much for this way of life. People always have told me that I have a big personality, and I rail against it every time. But what if I stopped and just said: "yeah I do". What if I acknowledge it. What if I step into it. What happens then? I don't know. It's scary to think about. It's just scary.

I want to cry. God, I hope I'm starting my period tomorrow. It would explain so much.

I want to be big, I want to be bold, I want to be confident, I want to stop hiding, I want to stop second-guessing, I want to stop worrying about what other people think.

I guess I'm afraid that if I step into my bigness, my boldness that I won't be able to help people. With self-care, with body awareness, with embodiment. But maybe, just maybe that is what is keeping me from fulfilling my own path, from being connected to the feeling that what I'm doing is right.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not afraid of being seen, of being successful. I'm afraid of what it feels like to be bigger than this body. I'm afraid of what it feels like to be fully myself, vast, expansive, whole, and bright. I'm afraid of the shock waves that will occur when I step into myself. I'm afraid of how powerful I actually am. I'm afraid of being able to embody this and showing other beings how to do the same.

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So many things to think about and ponder. The way that I start focusing on something and then years later it becomes popular. It happened with self-care, healing retreats, and now embodiment.

Back in 2012, I started vocalizing my journey with self-care and how I had a desire to host self-care retreats. Then right after I did my teacher training in 2015 I started seeing all of these retreats pop up. For everything from yoga, to self-care, to meditation, to gut health, to knitting.

Then in 2015, I started talking to my clients about self-care. I started connecting with and exploring what embody looked and felt like and I started putting on my business cards that I was an embodiment coach. I started planning a program called "Year of Self", and at the beginning of 2016, I started creating a monthly self-care calendar.

All the while noticing and staying aware of how popular self-care was becoming. I started noticing last year that more and more people were using the term "embody".  What is next?