I'm tired.

So very tired.

When I show up to this page, I just write. Whatever comes to mind, letting the words spill out onto the page, my fingers flying over the keyboard. I can feel myself slightly disconnecting from this act, noticing the tiredness behind my eyes, how my neck hurts from the position I'm lying in. Listening to the music gently flowing through my headphones, hearing the gentle tap-tap-tapping of the keyboards just floating in and out as if dancing with the melody.

It's as if I am trying to disconnect my brain, use this page as my journal, and just write. And I seem to use way too many commas. I guess this is what happens when I just show up and write. Not even caring about the sentence structure, punctuation, or making any sense.

//

I'm tired. I took a nap today. After stress eating two donuts. After having my mom call me to "keep me updated" that my grandmother has Stage 5 renal failure. They don't seem to know much else, other then they want to do dialysis, but there is something going on with her veins. I teared up a little after receiving this news, ate these two donuts, and then felt extreme fatigue wash over me.

This happens every time I have something stressful occur. My body just wants to sleep. So I took a nap. Waking up to go see new massage clients. Every time I see a client in my new space I'm thrilled. The energy is warm and inviting and supportive. But I'm afraid to put myself out there. That no one will come see me, that no one wants to experience the type of session I feel called to offer. But If I'm feeling called to offer it, then there is someone out there who needs it or who wants it.

WHY do I fear being seen? WHY do I fear being successful? WHY do I fear putting myself out there? The questions I keep asking myself every day, but I never dive deep enough to answer. I stay surface level.

I feel like I'm fulfilling some fucking plan that was laid out for me, it doesn't feel like my path, it doesn't feel like how my life should look. Maybe that is why I feel like I'm throwing myself against a cage every fucking day of my life. I feel this constriction in my chest like my energy is being held down.

I know that my energy is way too much for this body, and now that I'm writing, it is way too much for this way of life. People always have told me that I have a big personality, and I rail against it every time. But what if I stopped and just said: "yeah I do". What if I acknowledge it. What if I step into it. What happens then? I don't know. It's scary to think about. It's just scary.

I want to cry. God, I hope I'm starting my period tomorrow. It would explain so much.

I want to be big, I want to be bold, I want to be confident, I want to stop hiding, I want to stop second-guessing, I want to stop worrying about what other people think.

I guess I'm afraid that if I step into my bigness, my boldness that I won't be able to help people. With self-care, with body awareness, with embodiment. But maybe, just maybe that is what is keeping me from fulfilling my own path, from being connected to the feeling that what I'm doing is right.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not afraid of being seen, of being successful. I'm afraid of what it feels like to be bigger than this body. I'm afraid of what it feels like to be fully myself, vast, expansive, whole, and bright. I'm afraid of the shock waves that will occur when I step into myself. I'm afraid of how powerful I actually am. I'm afraid of being able to embody this and showing other beings how to do the same.

//

So many things to think about and ponder. The way that I start focusing on something and then years later it becomes popular. It happened with self-care, healing retreats, and now embodiment.

Back in 2012, I started vocalizing my journey with self-care and how I had a desire to host self-care retreats. Then right after I did my teacher training in 2015 I started seeing all of these retreats pop up. For everything from yoga, to self-care, to meditation, to gut health, to knitting.

Then in 2015, I started talking to my clients about self-care. I started connecting with and exploring what embody looked and felt like and I started putting on my business cards that I was an embodiment coach. I started planning a program called "Year of Self", and at the beginning of 2016, I started creating a monthly self-care calendar.

All the while noticing and staying aware of how popular self-care was becoming. I started noticing last year that more and more people were using the term "embody".  What is next?

I've got nothing new

That's why I wasn't here. I felt the resistance and didn't come back for a day or two. This is my style. Start something, love it, feel the rush. Then the newness energy starts to wear off, and then I hit that moment where I can't decide why I don't feel like showing up, and then I stop.

Instead of sitting with the resistance, still showing up, and sending myself and my resistance some love, I just let it all go.

I guess this is me trying. Trying to continue. Trying to gently press forward so that I can see what's on the other side.

So many things to share with you, that I want to share, but when I show up to the page I get hardcore resistance. Maybe I just need to write the damn stories anyways.

I love you all, each and every one of you who have read my ramblings and those of you who have left me comments. I love you.

Thank you and here's to the weekend!

I want to say thank you to everyone who left a comment on my Thursday blog post. I really appreciated all of the connection that occurs from me being vulnerable, and I do plan on writing about my business. I know I said Friday, but I haven't been on my computer much these past two days because I was busy getting arty! I signed up for Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy, and I started playing around with my first lesson yesterday.

We are also going to the BANFF film festival that is in town. It's two days 24 short movies mountain culture, outdoor activities, and all around adventure. It really makes me miss hiking, backpacking, rock climbing, and kayaking, so I'm now itching for consistently warmer weather.

I'm also teaching a yin yoga workshop today, so I have to go prepare for that.

I'll be back tomorrow in both posting and commenting on all of your beautiful, heartfelt, inviting blog posts <3 p="">

I have so many stories running around in my head...

All I know is, I ended up not writing yesterday, and I knew I needed to. I even decided what I was going to write about, and ended up not getting around to it. I had to finish a few bracelet orders that I had hardcore procrastinated on, and I wasn't allowing myself to do anything else until they were completed. 

I still have three bracelet orders that I need to work on, but for whatever reason, I'm not feeling called to that space right now. It's so strange. I love making bracelets, but I don't want to sit at my design table. I don't want to play with the beads, I don't want to come up with the right color combinations, or infuse the words with intention, energy, and soul. 

I have been avoided my bracelet business since I had my craft show almost a month ago. As I'm sitting here writing this, I think that it's because I was seen by the public, people purchased bracelets. People I didn't know. The public.

It's almost like a vulnerability hangover, but much more subtle. It's almost like I'm at the same place I realized I was at with my writing two days ago. I'm in the space of "does this matter?" and "do I want to be seen?"

I also feel that it's time to reconnect with my business and feel into what it wants. Talking to and listening to her as an energetic being and how she wants to grow and move forward. Recently there was some negative energy directed towards my business from someone who had been present from the beginning, and I think that has something to do with hiatus. As if I'm in a hibernation of sorts, not so much licking my wounds, but simply resting and healing, so that as I move forward I can more clearly explore how my business wants to evolve.

I think I will share my businesses story tomorrow <3 div="">

I'm running out of steam

I think this is the day that I usually run out of steam on projects. I have had a lot of fun writing, and I know that I still have some stories left in me that I want this to be a safe space to share. I'm also deep in a reflective state today and know that I'm feeling that familiar feeling of not wanting to continue.

It's not so much "not wanting to continue", but it's a subtle vibration of "does this really matter?". I do this a lot. I start things and don't finish them because I feel like I'm not making a difference in someone's day, or that what I have to say is not interesting enough for people to stick around for.

So I'm going to flip this narrative. This is about me. This is about my continuing on in a project whether it's of any interest to anyone else or no one else gives a flying hoot. This is my space to come and write and share and explore what it's like to show up to the page every single day.

I have realized why I'm hesitant to go deeper on any of these posts. I so want to, because I see those in this challenge diving deep, sharing vulnerably, and I know that I want to do that too. But I know that this blog could be accessed by certain people who I don't want to read the things that I want to share.

I set this blog so that it's not searchable on google, but if someone really wanted to, they could facebook stalk my page and find the link to this blog. I have some people in my life who would actually do that, so here it remains-I'm staying surface level.

If you have any suggestions for what I can do, I'm all ears. I used to have a website that had a lovely feature that allowed me to have unpublished pages and I used one as a private blog. But I took that site down because it didn't sit well with me anymore, and I feel like I'm heading for a period of regrowth and rediscovery and I need to redo how that site is presented to the world.

So now that I have those two thoughts out on the page, I feel much lighter. And I'm not going to worry about how many comments I get per post, or how many people view this. I'm going to simply continue to show up on my blog and write. And I will finish this blog along! <3 p="">

It's been a busy Monday

Today turned out to be a lot busier than I originally anticipated. Simply because I had extra massage clients on my schedule that I only found out about last night. But it was worth it. The last client I worked with this afternoon was a new client, and the work we did was exactly the reason I decided to restart my private practice. It was incredibly rewarding.

My gelatos came in the mail today!

Look at these beautiful colors! I'm excited to start playing and experimenting with them. Have you used gelatos in your art? How do you like them?

The rest of my night is going to consist of going through ALL of my bank statements from last year to highlight my business expenses for my accountant. I always seem to wait until the last minute to get this task taken care of. I had to go to Staples to print everything, and I had so much paper that they gave me a box instead of a bag! Doesn't it remind you of donuts?

But it's not donuts. :( Just bank statements. No fun at all. But look at that message that greeted me when I opened the box to take a picture! I love it.

After I'm done with my taxes, I'm going to indulge in some me time and read this magazine. I splurged because I've always wanted to read a copy and this magazine isn't the cheapest.

I can't wait to take in all of the amazing art and talent and hopefully I find lots of inspiration!

And last but not least, my dinner for tonight. Sweet potato home fries and ginger turmeric tea. I'm still trying to pay attention to my stomach/digestive process so it's all about easy to eat and to digest food and tea for anti-inflammation.

How was your Monday? Tell me something you're grateful for today <3 p="">

A snippet of a dream

Last night as I was going to bed, I held my hands over my stomach and asked myself "what would you like me to know?" 

 I've mentioned briefly in my blog posts that I've been having some strange stomach/digestive things occur over the last few weeks, and I'm trying to work out if it's more emotional/spiritual, or if it's something that I'll need to go to the doctor for. I wanted to ask my belly, and my spirit if there was something I wasn't paying attention to. 

 ***

 I forgot to turn my alarm off before going to bed last night, so this morning it drew me out of a dream. As I rolled over again from turning it off, I felt myself holding onto the last threads of whatever adventure I had been on.All I remember is that I had written a poem, and created an art journal page for it. As my dream faded from consciousness, I remember reading it over once more in my head, knowing that it was fading and I would forget the words that I had created.

I was insistent on remembering the last part, so I repeated it over and over to myself as I fell back asleep... 

"How you cultivate your life is to cultivate how you’ll be remembered when you’re gone."

 *** 

it's the last line that really has me wondering if this was a deeper meaning, an answer to the question I asked myself last night, or just a fading dream.

It's been a good day.

I find that I'm treating my blog just as I would a diary or my journal at times. A way to recap what I did today as if to preserve it for the future so that I can look back on it. Am I really going to read this entry later and think to myself "Oh yes, I remember that day perfectly, such a good day"? Most likely not. This day will go into my mind just like so many of my days gone by. I may pull up a random memory at some time in the distant future, but even then this day will feel different. I'll remember it differently, it won't be the same.

So why do I do it? It's what I know to write about. It's safe. It's easy. I know the flow and the structure of my day. Being able to recap what I did, what I felt, what I perceived. I don't have to go deeper if I don't want to. Most of the time I stay surface level, but why? Isn't that where the juiciness is, in the diving deeper? Uncovering stories, details, intricately laced thoughts.

It could be that I'm afraid of what people will think if they actually knew how I thought, how I observe, how I process.

I've had years and years and years and years and years of therapy. So much that I'm always thinking deeper, looking for the ways to dissect, unlearn, objectively think. Always going to the next level of my thoughts and actions. Constantly observing people and thinking about all of the different reasons why they are acting, responding, perceiving a certain way. Seeing how I can learn, change, evolve, grow. What insight or wisdom I can take out of any given interaction.

There are times that I have to consciously remind myself to live and simply experience. Turn off my analytical, psychological mind. To truly feel. Which is something else I am always doing-Feeling.

I have this thing. Where I am constantly aware of what I am feeling in my body, how I am reacting to any given situation, what my feelings and emotions manifest as in my body. There are countless times where I am hyper-aware of my physical boundaries of this body. It's almost as if I can feel my spirit/soul/consciousness pushing up against my skin seeking a way to expand.

And then there are the physical sensations. The random nerve pings, the muscle flutters, the sensation of air moving through my intestines.

I never questioned this hyper-awareness of my body, I guess I just assumed that everyone felt the same way. As I've gotten older I've realized that simply isn't the case. Being a massage therapist and putting my hands on someone else's physical body, coaxing them to relax enough to be in their body at that moment has shown me that so many people are so disconnected from their bodies. And all I can do day in and day out is wonder how do they manage to move through their days without awareness of all the internal stimulus.

I wonder what it would be like for me to move through life in that way. Without all of the constant awareness of my body, wondering what is happening inside of me, what these fluttering sensations mean today. I think that is why I have such a difficult time with my anxiety presenting itself in a way that makes me worry about my heart. It also shows up in my digestive system.

I guess it's time for me to get back to meditating. To quiet my mind, simply listening to my breath, allowing myself to move beyond this physical container that I am currently living in and connect with the energy around me. This also used to be why I did yoga. I miss that.

It's definitely time to get back to basics. Finding myself home again on my yoga mat, on my meditation cushion. Time to really sit still and listen to the feelings and emotions that have been suppressed that I haven't allowed to move through me. Showing up to my creative space in my basement with no judgments about where I am on my art journey. Allowing that to be a safe space to explore, practice, grow.

There is a lot that feels like needs to come up. I'm realizing that I've been functionally depressed the past year, and maybe just maybe I finally feel safe and stable enough to be present, loving, and compassionate to myself. Maybe that is why I chose self-care, writing, yoga, and art journaling as my 100-day project. Self-care was what pulled me out of my depression in 2011, which gave me the space to discover art journaling. I've always loved writing but never really pursued it, and my yoga mat always felt like home.

I've got nothing

Fridays seem to be my day of doing absolutely nothing.

I laid in bed until around 2.

I did take a walk to the post office today. Enjoyed the warm weather, the wind, the feeling of spring.

I got a new stamp/stencil set to add to my art collection in the mail today. I'm hoping that the stencil set that I ordered will arrive tomorrow. And the 36 Gelatos that I won from an eBay auction *should* be here on Monday.

Yay, art!

This evening was spent working on hanging and putting away clothes and working on cleaning my room. My boyfriend and I each have separate rooms in our house. His room is his office, and mine has been a mess recently but it will be my space to get ready.

I'm now going to head downstairs to play with my art supplies and my art journals for about an hour. I have no idea what I want to do, but that's the purpose of this 100 days project. Show up, create something, and keep going.

I also realized today that I could take my @Soul.Speak.Creations Instagram account off of private. Maybe I'll tell the story behind that tomorrow or Sunday for my blog post.

Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling again, so I'm going to go. I hope you are having a lovely Friday!

100 Days Project. Take 3.

I decided to partake in the festivities of the 100 Day project this year. Again. I've tried the two previous years, and only made it about 7-12 days in and just stopped.

In 2016, I wanted to play with my Instax Mini and take at least one Polaroid picture a day. I made it almost two weeks, and then I realized that it was going to be an expensive project to keep up because that film ain't cheap!

In 2017, I was playing with my iPad and decided that I wanted to make a digital mandala every day. I loved it, but I definitely felt the limitations of my talent and patience. I think I made it at least a week and then stopped playing with that app. Time passed, I noticed that I was falling further and further behind and decided to stop caring about the 100 days project. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I may have to play with it once more.

About a week ago I started seeing people posting about this year's project. It slowly started reentering my periphery and I wondered if I should try again. If I do, what am I going to do for 100 days? 

At the same time that these posts kept showing up on Facebook and Instagram, I was starting to get reacquainted with my art journal. I reset my studio space where Embody Your Truth is based and I set up a little art table with all of my art supplies. I wanted to make my creativity as accessible as possible. 

Why not art journaling for 100 days? Sounds very possible. 

I also remember that last year I saw that someone was doing 100 Days of Self-Care, and I figuratively kicked myself thinking "why didn't I think of that? Self-Care is totally MY THING. My coaching business, my massage business, my yoga practice, my life are all based on self-care. It is my foundation. So why did I never feel compelled to dive deep and focus on this? 

Why not self-care for 100 days? Sounds totally doable and intriguing.

I've also been feeling incredibly disconnected from my yoga practice. This is a post I may or may not share a bit later, depending on how far down that rabbit hole I want to go. So I'm also thinking that I want to take these next 100 days to get back to what my practice means to me and let go of the energy that I've been holding onto surrounding the politics and bureaucracy of teaching for someone else.

Why not yoga for 100 days? Sounds like it's right up my alley.

This blog along has made me realize that I love sharing snippets of my day. I love writing, and I don't know what my voice sounds or reads like anymore. I've been on this really weird emotional journey the past year or so and I stopped journaling and writing and sharing a lot of myself online, and I feel very closed off. I want to get back to that, I want to be interested in sharing my thoughts, my experiences with others. I want to be comfortable with my thoughts again. 

Why not writing for 100 days? Sounds like it's needed.

So for the next 100 days, starting today I'm committing to four different things. Self-care, yoga, writing, and art journaling. 

All things that I love doing, but have grown apart from. These are all practices that are integral parts of my sanity, my growth, my evolution, my ability to process the world around me. Pieces of me that I've stopped paying attention to and caring for. And I've felt it deeply. So now its time to reclaim these for myself.

I'd love for you to follow along with me! It's all happening over on Instagram, and I may share some things on facebook. I'm most likely going to write about them as well.

My Instagram name for the self-care and yoga fun is @purplefeathers.

I created a separate Instagram account for my art and set it to private. If you are interested in seeing my art journal adventures you can follow me at @soul.speak.creations

Are you doing anything for the 100 days project? Share with me so I can follow you on your creative adventure!