It's been a good day.

I find that I'm treating my blog just as I would a diary or my journal at times. A way to recap what I did today as if to preserve it for the future so that I can look back on it. Am I really going to read this entry later and think to myself "Oh yes, I remember that day perfectly, such a good day"? Most likely not. This day will go into my mind just like so many of my days gone by. I may pull up a random memory at some time in the distant future, but even then this day will feel different. I'll remember it differently, it won't be the same.

So why do I do it? It's what I know to write about. It's safe. It's easy. I know the flow and the structure of my day. Being able to recap what I did, what I felt, what I perceived. I don't have to go deeper if I don't want to. Most of the time I stay surface level, but why? Isn't that where the juiciness is, in the diving deeper? Uncovering stories, details, intricately laced thoughts.

It could be that I'm afraid of what people will think if they actually knew how I thought, how I observe, how I process.

I've had years and years and years and years and years of therapy. So much that I'm always thinking deeper, looking for the ways to dissect, unlearn, objectively think. Always going to the next level of my thoughts and actions. Constantly observing people and thinking about all of the different reasons why they are acting, responding, perceiving a certain way. Seeing how I can learn, change, evolve, grow. What insight or wisdom I can take out of any given interaction.

There are times that I have to consciously remind myself to live and simply experience. Turn off my analytical, psychological mind. To truly feel. Which is something else I am always doing-Feeling.

I have this thing. Where I am constantly aware of what I am feeling in my body, how I am reacting to any given situation, what my feelings and emotions manifest as in my body. There are countless times where I am hyper-aware of my physical boundaries of this body. It's almost as if I can feel my spirit/soul/consciousness pushing up against my skin seeking a way to expand.

And then there are the physical sensations. The random nerve pings, the muscle flutters, the sensation of air moving through my intestines.

I never questioned this hyper-awareness of my body, I guess I just assumed that everyone felt the same way. As I've gotten older I've realized that simply isn't the case. Being a massage therapist and putting my hands on someone else's physical body, coaxing them to relax enough to be in their body at that moment has shown me that so many people are so disconnected from their bodies. And all I can do day in and day out is wonder how do they manage to move through their days without awareness of all the internal stimulus.

I wonder what it would be like for me to move through life in that way. Without all of the constant awareness of my body, wondering what is happening inside of me, what these fluttering sensations mean today. I think that is why I have such a difficult time with my anxiety presenting itself in a way that makes me worry about my heart. It also shows up in my digestive system.

I guess it's time for me to get back to meditating. To quiet my mind, simply listening to my breath, allowing myself to move beyond this physical container that I am currently living in and connect with the energy around me. This also used to be why I did yoga. I miss that.

It's definitely time to get back to basics. Finding myself home again on my yoga mat, on my meditation cushion. Time to really sit still and listen to the feelings and emotions that have been suppressed that I haven't allowed to move through me. Showing up to my creative space in my basement with no judgments about where I am on my art journey. Allowing that to be a safe space to explore, practice, grow.

There is a lot that feels like needs to come up. I'm realizing that I've been functionally depressed the past year, and maybe just maybe I finally feel safe and stable enough to be present, loving, and compassionate to myself. Maybe that is why I chose self-care, writing, yoga, and art journaling as my 100-day project. Self-care was what pulled me out of my depression in 2011, which gave me the space to discover art journaling. I've always loved writing but never really pursued it, and my yoga mat always felt like home.