Nothing fancy today. It's 11:05 and I'm just now sitting down to write. I'm more worried about my health and my finances, and my utter inability to be productive, than what I'm going to write.
Over the weekend I had some really weird stomach issues. Indigestion, perhaps. Bloatedness, a lot of gassiness, feeling incredibly uncomfortable all weekend. It started after a morning protein shake on Friday and progressed. I tried to not eat much on Sunday, knowing it had been a rough weekend on my body. Every night going to bed feeling unsettled if I laid on my right side, finding comfort on my left. The beer on Friday night and the slight hangover on Saturday definitely didn't help. Today I woke up feeling a bit better, but still wanting to take it easy. I had two massage clients today, so I ate after my first.
During the afternoon I had absolutely no desire to do anything, so I sat at my dining room table and watched art tutorials. Feeling bad for myself and guilty that I wasn't doing more around the house. This feeling comes up everytime my man works from home because my lack of ambition is on full display for someone else.
I also felt really tired like I just wanted to take a nap, so I laid down in bed at one point and started to re-watch Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Hulu.
Here I am at 11:11 now recalling how after I came home and ate, I laid back down to finish watching JC Superstar and starting really noticing how I felt. Started paying attention to how my left arm ached slightly, how my upper left abdomen was doing its fluttery thing that it does every so often. And now I'm worried that I'm possibly having some sort of heart issue.
This happened before back in December. It was to the point where my boyfriend drove me to the ER at 1 AM, but I couldn't make myself go in. I don't have insurance (haven't had it for a year), and I'm terrified of my hospital bills. I'm also not working steadily and I'm in this weird financial space that I'm kind of freaking out about, and I'm wondering if maybe I'm a hypochondriac who has panic attacks that manifest as physical symptoms whenever things feel like they are out of control.
God, I know I sound horrid in this light. I guess I just need this space to vent and get this all out so I'm not holding onto it before I go to sleep. This is definitely not where I anticipated tonight's entry going.
So I'm going to be real... *run on sentence time because I'm typing as I think*
I'm sad. I'm afraid that I'm having a heart attack at 33 and wont be able to go to the doctor because I'm terrified of the medical bills because I don't have a steady "job" because I am doing massage and teaching yoga and I had the "bright" idea that I could build my own practice so now I have to pay rent tomorrow for a new space and I don't even know enough people here to get clients and im afraid that my loving and quiet boyfriend is slowly going to resent me because im messy and I can't contribute financially to our relationship and all I want to be able to do is pay rent, get my car fixed, go out on dates and be able to pay for art supplies. And then I'm worried about my family and the boundaries that I had to put in place around my relationship with my mom and it's not lost on me that she's freaking out about heart problems at 60 and here I am at 33 freaking out about the same things. Even though I don't smoke and I have been working on processing my emotions and experiences I feel disconnected from my heart and the space that I want to feel and love from and damnit I want to see a therapist but again I feel like I can't afford anything in my life right now and I've been spending money on random art supplies and I'm just stressed and is this my bodies way of telling me to slow down and breathe or is she signaling to me that something deeper is occurring? why do I feel so lost and confused and sad and lonely?
I'm trying so hard to stay even slightly positive because for fuck's sake I have a man who loves me and supports me and isn't actually harboring resentment against me it's just my baggage that I need to set the fuck down, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to constantly wonder what is going on internally, and I want to be happy and settled and feel secure and stable. and I want to get all these damn bills taken care of and I want to be able to pay my own way.
There is so much heavy shit that is trying to come to the surface that I'm not surprised I'm feeling this way. Even as I'm typing and breathing I feel heavy, weighted down. Scared as if I can't move forward. And these are just words that I'm typing. I'm not even actually processing and acknowledging. Fuck, I'm messed up
On the bright side..I won an eBay auction for 36 brand new gelatos. Even though while I was waiting for the bidding to end I was having actual heart palpitations where I was super aware of my heart beating.
Maybe sleeping will help me with this after all. Go to bed, breathe, review my day through gratitude while cuddling up next to my man. Is it morbid to say that I pray that I wake up?
I wish I could just give you the biggest hug right now. The easy answer is it could all just be anxiety related, judging by what you wrote. But I'm no DR. so I can't say. Anxiety and stress can do lots of weird shit. When I was 16, I made my mother take me to the ER with chest pains and trouble breathing. They didn't take it seriously, but I had a great family doctor who told me it was most likely panic attacks I was having.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience in the past year or so, laying on my right side tends to make me very queesy and sometimes makes my stomach hurt. I was reading on it and it has something to do with the organ placement. That laying on the right can cause the acids to go upward causing acid reflux and such. If I lay on my left, I feel a lot better and usually don't have the same problems.
If you have any low cost clinics around or one that works on a sliding scale, please go get checked out just to be safe. I totally understand the lack of funds to get yourself medical care. But please take care of yourself.
Ellie-yes, it's definitely related to my anxiety :( I also read about that laying on your right side/left side and how it affects the organs!
DeleteThank you for being her and sharing your experiences with me <3
Witnessing you be vulnerable and beaming love into your heart, sweet Kathleen. Tomorrow will be better, yes? Yes!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amy. Yes, tomorrow (today) will be better!
DeleteI love your vulnerability here. I've been struggling with more or less the same symptoms since end of January. I even had to be hospitalized for two nights so they could monitor my heart. We're still not exactly sure what's wrong with me and I'm currently waiting for results from blood tests done last week. I have medical aid but it's already exhausted so now I'm responsible for any further medical expenses. All this has definitely sent my anxiety through the roof and I've been praying most nights that I wake up in the morning. I hope you can figure out what's going on with you and that it shall pass quickly so you can be in a good space again. Sending you love and light.
ReplyDeleteOh Jana, I hop you out what is going on to bring some peace to your days. I'm sending you love, strength, and comfort <3
DeleteThank you for being here.
I certainly can identify with your stomach/heart issues. And yes, Mother issues too. I've felt weird about my heart at times too and If I have a heart attack I want it to be the end.. I'm 81 and do not want to be get resuscitated or anything. I even have a DNR on my fridge.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better.
Thank you Jean. It's comforting to hear that I am not alone with this anxiousness about my heart <3
DeleteAfter sleeping I do feel a bit better, just still a bit tired.
Thanks for sharing your vulnerability. I feel every inch of what you've shared here. The trap of wanting to be happy but feeling quite the opposite. The prison of financial struggles and health concerns. I feel it all. The need for boundaries from family and the parallels between moms and daughters. I pray you can find a bit of peace as you traverse this season of your life.
ReplyDeleteJust all the hugs. <3 I remember this terror of medical things when I lived in the States. It was absolutely horrible. I wish you so much healing.
ReplyDelete