500 Words. Day 3. Telling stories with paint.

No name, created this morning be me

I wanted to try to tell a story today, but I don't know which story I would tell. Plus my hands are messy with paint.

I painted this morning, and I painted yesterday. I sat on my floor, swirled paint around on a paper plate, and smeared paint on a canvas. I browsed Pinterest for inspiration, because I am really drawn to abstracts at the moment and I wanted to try using gold leaf. This now makes me wonder why I can't just get down and dirty with a canvas without first looking for something to base it off of. Honestly, the finished product NEVER looks like what I'm basing it off of, but I would love to have these ideas swirling around in my head, clamoring to be created and shared with the world. Will that happen if I continue to show up and get my hands messy with paint?

We are hosting a party tomorrow for Memorial day. The obligatory BBQ and hanging out in the backyard while drinking and shortened work day type of shindig. I should be cleaning the house, doing yard work, and then going to the store for meat to grill, but priorities. Painting and writing come first. Even before I shower. That's when I know that creativity has me by the hand, and is pulling me along while promising me an adventure. 

I am struggling to write today. I want to tell you about my day and the things I have planned. Will that sound trite? It seems boring to me. That's why I struggle with journaling, and I also used to struggle with therapy. I simply wanted to recount my days, my experiences. I wanted the opportunity to share the things I would do differently if I had a do over. I've slowly gotten out of that rut with journaling, but I haven't seen my therapist in over a year. It simply feels like too much work to call her and schedule and go through the niceties of catching up. Plus, I don't feel as if I'm in the dark spaces and places that I used to visit regularly back then. The beauty of my relationship with my therapist is that it has helped me realize that I can recognize when I'm headed in those places, and reach out if I need to.  

Well, that took a different turn than I expected. Is this how the next 30 days is going to play out? I'll sit down with the intention of writing about painting and my inability to tell a story, and then take a dive deeper into my thoughts and come face to face with pieces of myself that I don't pay attention to on a daily basis? If so, will anyone still be here to read my words in 30 27 days? Is anyone here now? 

Which now makes me question why I'm doing this. Am I doing this so that people have something to read, or am I doing this for myself so I can become more intimately acquainted with writing? Maybe it's a little bit of both. There is some part of me that is craving connection and attention, and that is why I blog, and share my paintings with friends. Even the funky ones that I don't particularly care for.   There is a part of me, big or small, that wants affirmation and confirmation that what I'm doing is alright and not downright terrible. Hello, human condition. Welcome to my blog.

The funkiest flower I've ever picked. Created by me

*I'm still taking part in this not challenge! 500 Days/30 Words via Kale & Cigarettes

500 Words. Day 2. I will wait.

not my picture, but it reminds me of waiting.

I've been listening to Mumford and Sons a lot lately. There is something about their lyrics, and the notes and melodies of the banjo. I don't even pretend to know much about music, I simply listen to the music that reverberates in my heart and make me shiver.

I wrote once:

"There are never any regrets. I don't live in the past. 

Tomorrow is never promised. I don't look to the future. 

I live in the moment. Today is all I have. 

I can find my moment in the lyric of a song, the lens of my camera, or the stroke of a pen." 

Upon reading these words, I can immediately remember that girl who thought those words, I can feel her assuredness, her confidence, her desire to live in the present and feel everything to the fullest. I wonder at times where has she gone, and then I come back to myself. Time and time again. I have never left, but I have grown up, grown wiser. I have experienced joy and heartache. Anger and ignorance. Pure happiness and conviction. Love, dismay, sadness, compassion, strength. All of these things and more. The layers have piled up around me, and sometimes I can feel the subtle nudges of something underneath all of this.

I remember one day at yoga teacher training, we attended a sound healing workshop. This was right in the middle of our three week immersion, and I was in the process of shedding some old ideas and perceptions. I felt raw with emotion that I had tried for so long to hide and suppress, exposed and vulnerable. I have trouble standing there feeling like I'm open and everyone can see my insides. It's incredibly uncomfortable. I was nervous because I had no idea how to navigate this terrain, afraid of what I may see or feel. I'm trying not to edit any of this and I can feel that same feeling now as I type. The feeling of being seen, being vulnerable. 

I have so many feelings to describe the sound healing workshop, but I simply can't write about it. Not right now. What I want to talk about is the feeling afterwards. The feeling of being connected to the sound, the vibrations. Feeling the connection in both my physical and spiritual body. Feeling so open, so free, so connected to all parts of me. Which meant that I felt connected to everything and everyone else around me. I was floating, flying high. I walked across the street to get food, and I still to this day think that I didn't step one foot on the ground. My smile was so wide, and so bright. My heart was so open, so loving. I simply wanted to love.

I still want to love. Openly, freely. Without worry of how others will perceive me. I want to share my love and hold space in my heart for everyone in my life. I am reminded of this when I listen to music and feel it in my body. How I emotionally respond to lyrics such as:

"Now I'll be bold, as well as strong, and use my head along side my heart." 

I desire to reconnect with that girl, who I still am, who lives for the present. I plan on finding my moments, all of them. In the lyrics, in the pictures, in the words that spill out on to the page or the screen. I will wait in all of these moments, to be fully present, for anyone else to join me. If they don't I will still wait. For the next moment.

*a 500 words/30 days experience along with Kale & Cigarettes

500 Words. Day 1. Where am I going with this?

Finding beauty in the broken tree on the path

To have yourself shaken awake by the actions of others is unsettling. To realize that you have been sleep walking, living life in a dazed, half-awake, half-asleep state can be shocking. It takes a few moments to assimilate, to recognize, that you are safe in your surroundings. The ground may feel unsteady, your feet may feel shaky, but if you breathe, then you start to re-connect to yourself and feel life.

May has been a roller coaster of a month. Warm weather, cold weather, frost advisories. Friends made, friends lost, uncertainty surrounding decisions about jobs. The only place that I seem to find myself is on the pages of my journal, or on the paths in the park. To hear the crunching of the rocks, and twigs underfoot, feeling the sunlight as it streams through the trees to gently touch my face, to hear the birds serenading anyone who cares enough to stop for a moment and listen. This is how I remember that I am a part of all of this. The beauty of nature is the same beauty that is my heart and soul.

I get lost in the words of romantic poets, wishing that those words are whispered to me in the dark. I find myself imagining that someone thinks of me randomly and has an urge to send me words that stand out to them, that remind them of me.

My heart and soul ache for the freedom of birds, being able to fly whenever they feel like it. Random musings that keep me grounded throughout my day. Birds, poets, being made of the same stardust that makes up everyone else and every other thing surrounding me.

Is that why, when I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and saw someone share a blog post created by someone I don't know, I was drawn to read it because I noticed they had committed to write 500 words a day for 30 days?

What is it about the page, the words, the stories that swirl around in my mind that simultaneously draw me in and push me away? Is it that I have always wanted to write, ever since I was in third grade and wrote a story about a carousel horse on a shelf? Is it the knowing that I will uncover and expose myself while recording the thoughts, dreams, whispers that pour forth from my being?

Whatever it is, and similar to my journey with yoga, I am feeling that familiar pull. "All I want to do is write." When I softly speak those words, low enough that I wonder if I even thought them, then I know that it is time to turn on this path and see where it takes me. I will step gently, and slowly, taking in the sights an sounds all around me, filling myself up and at the same time emptying myself of everything.

I guess that means I'm going to "experiment" with this writing 500 words for 30 days thing*.

On day one I catch myself wondering what will happen over the next 30 days, but that is not what I am here to do. I am here to write, to allow my spirit to sing through the taps and clicks as my fingers fly over the keyboard.

*I'm participating in a 500 words for 30 days "not a challenge" put forth by Kale and Cigarettes.

About Me

Arian and Mynx, 2010

Mynx and Emmett, 2013

Ten things about me

1. I am a total cat person. I have had cats as pets for as long as I can remember. My first cat was named snowball, and ran away. When I moved into my own place in 2004, the first thing I made sure to do (before I even had a bed, I slept on the couch!) I became a momma to two fur babies. Arian and Mynx were brother and sister. Arian passed away in February of 2012 after being sick for several months. Mynx became an only kitty for about 1 1/2 years until this October, when Emmett came into out lives. Mynx and Emmett don't get along. At all. It breaks my heart.

2. I love office supplies. I can spend an hour (if not more) just perusing an office supply store or aisle and be completely content. I'm always looking for a new pen or notebook. I also am constantly wanting to update my organizational supplies for my desk. 

3. I am always cold. At work, at home, outside. My body runs about 1 degree cooler, and I've always been the one who is shivering when it's 60 out! I love fuzzy, fleecy blankets for this reason, and I love having the temp in the house set to about 72, but it's only set to 68. I'm constantly bundled up when I'm at home. Really, wherever I go! 

Ruby, The Mini!

4. I am really good at manifesting and the Law of Attraction. When I want something (like feeling it in my bones, really want it) I get it. There have been a few times where I go through the motions and my trusted practices for manifesting, and it has not happened. Sometimes I get stuck on those moments, and lose my mojo. I'm realizing as I type this that I am currently in one of these funks. I just manifested a freakin' car! It has been several months in the making, but I did it! 

5. I don't have any close friends. When I was younger, we moved every three years because my father was in the Army. After a while, I got frustrated with the making new friends, and trying to get involved with established groups, so I became acquaintances with plenty of people, but I haven't let anyone get close enough to me to become a good friend. I'm really starting to crave these deep connections. This is something I plan on focusing on in 2014.

Pat & I flying in a small plane! I'm not freaking out because we are only at 3,500 feet!

6. I can fly in a regular commercial plane, but if I get into a smaller two, or four person plane, I freak out above 4,000 feet. I think it has something to do with the ability to see the open sky in front and on the sides of the plane. The first time I went up in a small plane, we went up to 6,000 feet and I had an anxiety attack and almost passed out! Maybe it doesn't help that I am afraid of heights.

7. I have an irrational fear of grates in the sidewalk, and the pool filters that are in the deep end. I can't walk on the grates or doors in sidewalks, because I'm afraid that I will fall in. I freak out if I swim directly over the filters in the deep end. I also have a fear of water that is not clear. For several years, I refused to swim in unclear water until last year. I went to Chautauqua Lake, NY with Pat and his family, and over the course of the week, I worked my way into swimming about 5-10 yards away from the boat! I would always hurry up and swim back, and if I even started to think about it,  I would freak out and have to get back in the boat. Baby steps!

8. I've never travelled outside of the  country. I am working on getting my passport though so that I can remedy this in 2014!

9. I can not whistle. I've always tried, but I just can't do it.

10. I have had the same cell phone number since 2002-2003. I hardly ever get wrong number phone call/texts.

Kickin' It Old Skool-Weather

I LOVE these rain boots, even though they hurt my feet EVERY time I wear them. Circa~2011.

I absolutely love rainy days, and I've never really known why I am so drawn to rainy weather. I feel so happy when I am snuggled up inside, watching the rain falling, listening to the rain drops as the fall on trees, leaves, the ground. It's very relaxing and soothing for me. I also enjoy the dance that nature puts on whenever it rains. The leaves on trees, or the blades of grass swaying to and fro as they soak up the water that is falling on them from the sky. The different shade of green in nature also seem more vibrant to me against a backdrop of gray. Some of my favorite sounds to play on my iPhone while relaxing are those of rain or water.

I keep track of the weather of my favorite places. Taken this morning, screenshot of my iPhone.

Thoughts on Colors

The meme for the day is Swap & color. I have added my address to the list, and I am excited for some old-fashioned snail mail! I was recently thinking about pen-pals and the lost art of writing letters, so this meme came at just the perfect time. I'm excited to share some joy with some I have never met! We were also given a list of colors with some prompts surrounding each of them. If anyone is reading this, enjoy my answers!

[ RED ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of red? Passion, fiery purpose, confidence. 
2. Closest red thing to you? Decorations in the living room, a glass vase, a fake daisy, some fall leaves. The entryway rug.
3. What is the last thing that made you angry? I may have been looked over for a position at work that I *think* I want. I wasn't really angy, just let down and a bit disappointed. Other than that, I can't think of the last time I was really angry.
4. Are you a fan of romance? I do enjoy romance! 
5. Do you have a temper? Sometimes I do. I am learning how to sit with my emotions and get to the root of my anger. It has definitely helped. A few years ago, I felt angry all of the time, but now I'm mostly happy!

[ GREEN ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of green? A pond, nature, a warm Spring day.
2. Closest green thing to you? More decorations.  Two different green glass vases
3. What's your favourite green environment? I LOVE being out in nature. Feeling the soft grass under my feet, seeing the sun filtered through the trees.
4. Are you jealous of anyone right now? I am jealous of some of the successful ladies in Arbonne. I'm not jealous of their success, I'm jealous that they were able to work through the fear and keep working to get to where they are today. I am trying to understand these feelings and use them as motivation to do my own work so that I can be successful as well!
5. Are you a lucky person? I believe so! I try to stay positive, and when I believe that I am lucky, I am lucky! It's all about being positive and believing that you are lucky, It's simple really.

[ PURPLE ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of purple? Joy, exuberance, jewels, peacocks.
2. Closest purple thing to you? Another glass vase, fake lilacs.
3. Do you like being treated like royalty? I adore being treated like royalty. When I practice self-care daily and take care of myself, I feel like I AM royalty. 
4. Do you like mysterious things? Sometimes. I don't like the anticipation of not knowing, but I like surprises. 
5. Are you intuitive? I tend to think that I am. 

[ BLUE ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of blue? Cool, calm water. Breaking Bad. Peace.
2. Closest blue thing to you? There is blue in the dress that I am wearing, and there is a blue water bottle cap sitting on the living room table.
3. Are you good at calming people down? Sometimes I am, but sometimes I am not.
4. What's your favourite body of water (i.e. lake, ocean, etc)? I enjoy streams that babble, and lakes with waves that gently kiss the shore as a boat drives by. I love sitting on the beach and feeling the ocean waves wash over my feet. I enjoy being near water, and I love being in water (only when I can see clearly through the water)
5. What was the last thing that made you cry? I teared up watching a tv show last week. It was intense.
6. Are you a logical thinker? My logical brain tries to win out over my creative brain everyday. Most of the time it works. I try to think logically in most instances, but I know that there are some times when I should just let go and go with the flow.

[ YELLOW ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of yellow? Bees, honey, lemons, sunshine, carefree.
2. Closest yellow thing to you? The Lemon Pound Cake that I just finished eating
3. What was one of the happiest times of your life? I was 7 or 8, and my family was moving to Alaska. We drove the entire way, and camped out almost every night. It was amazing seeing  Yellowstone National Park, and experiencing that time with my family.
4. What's your favourite holiday? Thanksgiving or Christmas. The tradition, the festivities, the decorations. The food.
5. What makes you happy? Snuggles from my cats, listening to my cats crunch their dry food. Walking through leaves and stepping on the crunchy ones. Looking at the night sky and immersing myself in the stars. A warm bath. A soft blanket. Bananas (and they are yellow!)

[ PINK ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of pink? Innocence, playfulness, love.
2. Closest pink thing to you? There is pink on a worksheet that I'm working on for The Holiday Council.
3. What sweet things do you like? Desserts and candy. I like my apples to have a sweet taste to them. Strawberry tic-tacs.
4. Are you sensitive? Yes.
5. What is your favourite flower? Stargazer lilies or daisies.
6. Does you have a crush on someone? I have a crush on anyone who is confident and compassionate. 

[ ORANGE ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of orange? Halloween. The zest of oranges. Fall leaves
2. Closest orange thing to you? Does a Kit Kat label count as orange or red? Odd, but the label on the sandpaper on Pat's desk (why is there sandpaper on his desk?)
3. Do you dress up for Halloween? I haven't for the past two years, but that is one thing I LOVE about halloween.
4. What gives you the warm fuzzies? Animals of all kinds. The dogs that come into my work. My plush snuggie.
5. What would your superpower be? I would be able to tell when someone is lying. 

[ BROWN ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of brown? Chocolate!
2. Closest brown thing to you? The blanket I am wrapped in, the dirt my potted plant lives in.
3. What is your favourite type of chocolate? 72-80% dark chocolate
4. What makes you feel grounded? Deep breathing, putting my feet on soft grass, feeling the bark of a tree. Visualizing roots extending from my feet into the ground. Taking a bath.
5. Paint the wood or always leave it au natural? It's a toss up. Most things au natural, others must be painted.

[ WHITE ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of white? Cleansing, Pure, Starting over, a blank slate, unending possibility
2. Closest white thing to you? Paper, my iPad & my iPhone.
3. Do you always try to keep the peace? No, sometimes the boat needs to be rocked. You have to let out pent up energy so that you can release and renew.
4. Do you like to play in the snow? If it is soft and fluffy and it's not windy or too cold.
5. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? I have a real anxiety issue with going to the dentist.

[ BLACK ]

1. What's the first thing you think of when you think of black? The darkest of nights, Depth, The unknown
2. Closest black thing to you? So. Many. Things. The speakers, my journal for December, headphones, pens
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? Silly all the way. I try to play sophisticated.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? I have some that I'm working on accepting.
5. What's the new black? Self-Care and stepping into your personal power.

I have to admit that I stopped half way through this one. It felt too long and drawn out. It was interesting to see some of my answers, but I don't know if I would do it again. I stopped feeling the excitement and the playfulness. I finished though! :)

Kickin' It Old Skool-Time Capsule

Some of the books I'm reading & a fabulous quote I just found!

Day two of this adventure is all about things I am doing currently. Right now I am sitting at Pat's desk, listening to a Learn and Burn for Arbonne, while working on some administrative red tape with my dental coverage. While drinking water to hydrate, I'm noticing that I haven't taken a shower yet today! It's already 2:30! Time to get on with the other things I need to do today! I still need to write for Reverb13 and spend some time with The Holiday Council, and print out the rest of my Create Your Amazing Year Workbook.

~What are am I reading?~

As the picture above shows, I am trying to immerse myself in as much positivity as possible. I recently acquired Money: A Love Story by Kate Northrup (it was an early Christmas gift from my momma!). I have read and re-read The Secret so many times, but I keep coming back to it. I've been trying to make it through Feel the Fear and Do it anyways for a few months, but I keep coming back to it. Every time I pick it up, I will either start off where I left off, of start from the beginning, and each time I learn something new. I have so many books that I want to read on my iPad in both my Kindle app and iBooks, but the one I am currently reading is Your First Year in Network Marketing. In the next month I am going to start on Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map! I can't help it, I LOVE TO READ!

~What am I watching?~

In November I started watching tv shows on Hulu. This is somewhat of a new habit of mine, because I haven't had cable in several years. The shows that I am watching every week without fail are: The Black List, The Originals, Reign, Breaking Bad, and Once Upon A Time. 

~What am I listening to?~

Learn and Burns for Arbonne! They are weekly motivational audio trainings that I listen to while I am doing a number of different activities. Sometimes I will focus solely on those and take notes, other times (like right now!) I am  listening to it in the background while I type and get some other things done. 

I've also been trying to listen to more music lately. My music is constantly on shuffle on my iPhone so it ranges from the zen-like music I have for massage, to Lady Gaga, Imogen Heap, Mumford & Sons, Nero, and Flight Facilities. Very eclectic and very enjoyable.

~What am I loving?~

Emmett and Mynx. My boyfriend Pat. My new car Ruby. Myself. The quiet stillness of our house during the day against the backdrop of cars rushing by outside. My motivation to make 2014 a phenomenal year for me.

~What am I wearing?~

The t-shirt I slept in, a pair of comfy black pants, and slippers. Glasses to see with, so I guess they count as well!

~What am I creating?~

Abundance. A business that will sustain me. Growth. A plan for 2014. 

~What am I looking forward to?~

The possibilities that 2014 hold for me. I find that my year is more abundant and plentiful when I have a guide in place for where I want to be at the end of next December. 

I'm also looking forward to getting my license from PA for Massage Therapy. That has been a long, winding journey. I will be thankful when I actually receive that slip of paper in the mail.

I'm looking forward to where I will be a year from now with Arbonne. I have been second guessing my decisions, and holding myself back from doing anything with Arbonne for the last few months out of fear. I realized that I am in a cycle and I want to break through. I have so much potential for growth with this company, and now it's time for me to play. The quote in the picture above is something I heard today, and I will be keeping it in my focus.

The only way to fail is to let obstacles become bigger than your dreams.

Kickin' It Old Skool-De Selfie

Emmett and I, about two weeks ago

I'm trying something new for the month of December. I'm joining Jamie Ridler and Shannon over at Kickin' It Old Skool for an old school blog-a-thon. 31 days, 31 prompts. Join in the fun if you desire!

One of these things...

...is not like the other

Today's prompt for Projectlife365 was #in_a_drawer. I knew right away that I was either going to work with my art supplies of the knives in our kitchen. When I opened up the knife drawer, I was immediately drawn to the fork thing (I don't know the appropriate term for it!), and noticed that it was the only utensil that wasn't a knife. I immediately had a thought that it was such a fitting metaphor for where I am in my life. Trying to fit in, yet find my  own soul calling. This was actually discussed in my Somatic Psych class this morning. 

We each bring our own unique gifts into this world, yet we are always trying to fit in and not stand out. We are told that we are special and capable and that we will light the world on fire, yet as we continue to grow up we are told that we need to do this or do that. My teacher posed these questions to us: "why are you here? What is your purpose? Why are you alive?"

It is my job to answer these questions for myself, take what I find and go out into the world. Go forth and make my mark, add my sparkle.

Front Door

It is fitting that the day that I decide to dust out my corner of the internet is the day that I find Project 365. It's simple, really. Taking a picture to document my day that goes along with a designated prompt. The synchronicity of it all is that the prompt for today is #front_door.

This is the door into the place in which I reside, that opens up to everyone and a select few, the entryway into my life. It is sacred, and humble, shouting out for notice, and fiercely protective. As I look at the red door of my abode, it reminds me that this year I want more color, more action, more boldness. I want to invite in so much, to draw in that which fulfills me.

Here is to 2013!