I'm tired.

So very tired.

When I show up to this page, I just write. Whatever comes to mind, letting the words spill out onto the page, my fingers flying over the keyboard. I can feel myself slightly disconnecting from this act, noticing the tiredness behind my eyes, how my neck hurts from the position I'm lying in. Listening to the music gently flowing through my headphones, hearing the gentle tap-tap-tapping of the keyboards just floating in and out as if dancing with the melody.

It's as if I am trying to disconnect my brain, use this page as my journal, and just write. And I seem to use way too many commas. I guess this is what happens when I just show up and write. Not even caring about the sentence structure, punctuation, or making any sense.

//

I'm tired. I took a nap today. After stress eating two donuts. After having my mom call me to "keep me updated" that my grandmother has Stage 5 renal failure. They don't seem to know much else, other then they want to do dialysis, but there is something going on with her veins. I teared up a little after receiving this news, ate these two donuts, and then felt extreme fatigue wash over me.

This happens every time I have something stressful occur. My body just wants to sleep. So I took a nap. Waking up to go see new massage clients. Every time I see a client in my new space I'm thrilled. The energy is warm and inviting and supportive. But I'm afraid to put myself out there. That no one will come see me, that no one wants to experience the type of session I feel called to offer. But If I'm feeling called to offer it, then there is someone out there who needs it or who wants it.

WHY do I fear being seen? WHY do I fear being successful? WHY do I fear putting myself out there? The questions I keep asking myself every day, but I never dive deep enough to answer. I stay surface level.

I feel like I'm fulfilling some fucking plan that was laid out for me, it doesn't feel like my path, it doesn't feel like how my life should look. Maybe that is why I feel like I'm throwing myself against a cage every fucking day of my life. I feel this constriction in my chest like my energy is being held down.

I know that my energy is way too much for this body, and now that I'm writing, it is way too much for this way of life. People always have told me that I have a big personality, and I rail against it every time. But what if I stopped and just said: "yeah I do". What if I acknowledge it. What if I step into it. What happens then? I don't know. It's scary to think about. It's just scary.

I want to cry. God, I hope I'm starting my period tomorrow. It would explain so much.

I want to be big, I want to be bold, I want to be confident, I want to stop hiding, I want to stop second-guessing, I want to stop worrying about what other people think.

I guess I'm afraid that if I step into my bigness, my boldness that I won't be able to help people. With self-care, with body awareness, with embodiment. But maybe, just maybe that is what is keeping me from fulfilling my own path, from being connected to the feeling that what I'm doing is right.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong. I'm not afraid of being seen, of being successful. I'm afraid of what it feels like to be bigger than this body. I'm afraid of what it feels like to be fully myself, vast, expansive, whole, and bright. I'm afraid of the shock waves that will occur when I step into myself. I'm afraid of how powerful I actually am. I'm afraid of being able to embody this and showing other beings how to do the same.

//

So many things to think about and ponder. The way that I start focusing on something and then years later it becomes popular. It happened with self-care, healing retreats, and now embodiment.

Back in 2012, I started vocalizing my journey with self-care and how I had a desire to host self-care retreats. Then right after I did my teacher training in 2015 I started seeing all of these retreats pop up. For everything from yoga, to self-care, to meditation, to gut health, to knitting.

Then in 2015, I started talking to my clients about self-care. I started connecting with and exploring what embody looked and felt like and I started putting on my business cards that I was an embodiment coach. I started planning a program called "Year of Self", and at the beginning of 2016, I started creating a monthly self-care calendar.

All the while noticing and staying aware of how popular self-care was becoming. I started noticing last year that more and more people were using the term "embody".  What is next?

I've got nothing new

That's why I wasn't here. I felt the resistance and didn't come back for a day or two. This is my style. Start something, love it, feel the rush. Then the newness energy starts to wear off, and then I hit that moment where I can't decide why I don't feel like showing up, and then I stop.

Instead of sitting with the resistance, still showing up, and sending myself and my resistance some love, I just let it all go.

I guess this is me trying. Trying to continue. Trying to gently press forward so that I can see what's on the other side.

So many things to share with you, that I want to share, but when I show up to the page I get hardcore resistance. Maybe I just need to write the damn stories anyways.

I love you all, each and every one of you who have read my ramblings and those of you who have left me comments. I love you.

Thank you and here's to the weekend!

I want to say thank you to everyone who left a comment on my Thursday blog post. I really appreciated all of the connection that occurs from me being vulnerable, and I do plan on writing about my business. I know I said Friday, but I haven't been on my computer much these past two days because I was busy getting arty! I signed up for Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy, and I started playing around with my first lesson yesterday.

We are also going to the BANFF film festival that is in town. It's two days 24 short movies mountain culture, outdoor activities, and all around adventure. It really makes me miss hiking, backpacking, rock climbing, and kayaking, so I'm now itching for consistently warmer weather.

I'm also teaching a yin yoga workshop today, so I have to go prepare for that.

I'll be back tomorrow in both posting and commenting on all of your beautiful, heartfelt, inviting blog posts <3 p="">

I have so many stories running around in my head...

All I know is, I ended up not writing yesterday, and I knew I needed to. I even decided what I was going to write about, and ended up not getting around to it. I had to finish a few bracelet orders that I had hardcore procrastinated on, and I wasn't allowing myself to do anything else until they were completed. 

I still have three bracelet orders that I need to work on, but for whatever reason, I'm not feeling called to that space right now. It's so strange. I love making bracelets, but I don't want to sit at my design table. I don't want to play with the beads, I don't want to come up with the right color combinations, or infuse the words with intention, energy, and soul. 

I have been avoided my bracelet business since I had my craft show almost a month ago. As I'm sitting here writing this, I think that it's because I was seen by the public, people purchased bracelets. People I didn't know. The public.

It's almost like a vulnerability hangover, but much more subtle. It's almost like I'm at the same place I realized I was at with my writing two days ago. I'm in the space of "does this matter?" and "do I want to be seen?"

I also feel that it's time to reconnect with my business and feel into what it wants. Talking to and listening to her as an energetic being and how she wants to grow and move forward. Recently there was some negative energy directed towards my business from someone who had been present from the beginning, and I think that has something to do with hiatus. As if I'm in a hibernation of sorts, not so much licking my wounds, but simply resting and healing, so that as I move forward I can more clearly explore how my business wants to evolve.

I think I will share my businesses story tomorrow <3 div="">

I'm running out of steam

I think this is the day that I usually run out of steam on projects. I have had a lot of fun writing, and I know that I still have some stories left in me that I want this to be a safe space to share. I'm also deep in a reflective state today and know that I'm feeling that familiar feeling of not wanting to continue.

It's not so much "not wanting to continue", but it's a subtle vibration of "does this really matter?". I do this a lot. I start things and don't finish them because I feel like I'm not making a difference in someone's day, or that what I have to say is not interesting enough for people to stick around for.

So I'm going to flip this narrative. This is about me. This is about my continuing on in a project whether it's of any interest to anyone else or no one else gives a flying hoot. This is my space to come and write and share and explore what it's like to show up to the page every single day.

I have realized why I'm hesitant to go deeper on any of these posts. I so want to, because I see those in this challenge diving deep, sharing vulnerably, and I know that I want to do that too. But I know that this blog could be accessed by certain people who I don't want to read the things that I want to share.

I set this blog so that it's not searchable on google, but if someone really wanted to, they could facebook stalk my page and find the link to this blog. I have some people in my life who would actually do that, so here it remains-I'm staying surface level.

If you have any suggestions for what I can do, I'm all ears. I used to have a website that had a lovely feature that allowed me to have unpublished pages and I used one as a private blog. But I took that site down because it didn't sit well with me anymore, and I feel like I'm heading for a period of regrowth and rediscovery and I need to redo how that site is presented to the world.

So now that I have those two thoughts out on the page, I feel much lighter. And I'm not going to worry about how many comments I get per post, or how many people view this. I'm going to simply continue to show up on my blog and write. And I will finish this blog along! <3 p="">

It's been a busy Monday

Today turned out to be a lot busier than I originally anticipated. Simply because I had extra massage clients on my schedule that I only found out about last night. But it was worth it. The last client I worked with this afternoon was a new client, and the work we did was exactly the reason I decided to restart my private practice. It was incredibly rewarding.

My gelatos came in the mail today!

Look at these beautiful colors! I'm excited to start playing and experimenting with them. Have you used gelatos in your art? How do you like them?

The rest of my night is going to consist of going through ALL of my bank statements from last year to highlight my business expenses for my accountant. I always seem to wait until the last minute to get this task taken care of. I had to go to Staples to print everything, and I had so much paper that they gave me a box instead of a bag! Doesn't it remind you of donuts?

But it's not donuts. :( Just bank statements. No fun at all. But look at that message that greeted me when I opened the box to take a picture! I love it.

After I'm done with my taxes, I'm going to indulge in some me time and read this magazine. I splurged because I've always wanted to read a copy and this magazine isn't the cheapest.

I can't wait to take in all of the amazing art and talent and hopefully I find lots of inspiration!

And last but not least, my dinner for tonight. Sweet potato home fries and ginger turmeric tea. I'm still trying to pay attention to my stomach/digestive process so it's all about easy to eat and to digest food and tea for anti-inflammation.

How was your Monday? Tell me something you're grateful for today <3 p="">

A snippet of a dream

Last night as I was going to bed, I held my hands over my stomach and asked myself "what would you like me to know?" 

 I've mentioned briefly in my blog posts that I've been having some strange stomach/digestive things occur over the last few weeks, and I'm trying to work out if it's more emotional/spiritual, or if it's something that I'll need to go to the doctor for. I wanted to ask my belly, and my spirit if there was something I wasn't paying attention to. 

 ***

 I forgot to turn my alarm off before going to bed last night, so this morning it drew me out of a dream. As I rolled over again from turning it off, I felt myself holding onto the last threads of whatever adventure I had been on.All I remember is that I had written a poem, and created an art journal page for it. As my dream faded from consciousness, I remember reading it over once more in my head, knowing that it was fading and I would forget the words that I had created.

I was insistent on remembering the last part, so I repeated it over and over to myself as I fell back asleep... 

"How you cultivate your life is to cultivate how you’ll be remembered when you’re gone."

 *** 

it's the last line that really has me wondering if this was a deeper meaning, an answer to the question I asked myself last night, or just a fading dream.

It's been a good day.

I find that I'm treating my blog just as I would a diary or my journal at times. A way to recap what I did today as if to preserve it for the future so that I can look back on it. Am I really going to read this entry later and think to myself "Oh yes, I remember that day perfectly, such a good day"? Most likely not. This day will go into my mind just like so many of my days gone by. I may pull up a random memory at some time in the distant future, but even then this day will feel different. I'll remember it differently, it won't be the same.

So why do I do it? It's what I know to write about. It's safe. It's easy. I know the flow and the structure of my day. Being able to recap what I did, what I felt, what I perceived. I don't have to go deeper if I don't want to. Most of the time I stay surface level, but why? Isn't that where the juiciness is, in the diving deeper? Uncovering stories, details, intricately laced thoughts.

It could be that I'm afraid of what people will think if they actually knew how I thought, how I observe, how I process.

I've had years and years and years and years and years of therapy. So much that I'm always thinking deeper, looking for the ways to dissect, unlearn, objectively think. Always going to the next level of my thoughts and actions. Constantly observing people and thinking about all of the different reasons why they are acting, responding, perceiving a certain way. Seeing how I can learn, change, evolve, grow. What insight or wisdom I can take out of any given interaction.

There are times that I have to consciously remind myself to live and simply experience. Turn off my analytical, psychological mind. To truly feel. Which is something else I am always doing-Feeling.

I have this thing. Where I am constantly aware of what I am feeling in my body, how I am reacting to any given situation, what my feelings and emotions manifest as in my body. There are countless times where I am hyper-aware of my physical boundaries of this body. It's almost as if I can feel my spirit/soul/consciousness pushing up against my skin seeking a way to expand.

And then there are the physical sensations. The random nerve pings, the muscle flutters, the sensation of air moving through my intestines.

I never questioned this hyper-awareness of my body, I guess I just assumed that everyone felt the same way. As I've gotten older I've realized that simply isn't the case. Being a massage therapist and putting my hands on someone else's physical body, coaxing them to relax enough to be in their body at that moment has shown me that so many people are so disconnected from their bodies. And all I can do day in and day out is wonder how do they manage to move through their days without awareness of all the internal stimulus.

I wonder what it would be like for me to move through life in that way. Without all of the constant awareness of my body, wondering what is happening inside of me, what these fluttering sensations mean today. I think that is why I have such a difficult time with my anxiety presenting itself in a way that makes me worry about my heart. It also shows up in my digestive system.

I guess it's time for me to get back to meditating. To quiet my mind, simply listening to my breath, allowing myself to move beyond this physical container that I am currently living in and connect with the energy around me. This also used to be why I did yoga. I miss that.

It's definitely time to get back to basics. Finding myself home again on my yoga mat, on my meditation cushion. Time to really sit still and listen to the feelings and emotions that have been suppressed that I haven't allowed to move through me. Showing up to my creative space in my basement with no judgments about where I am on my art journey. Allowing that to be a safe space to explore, practice, grow.

There is a lot that feels like needs to come up. I'm realizing that I've been functionally depressed the past year, and maybe just maybe I finally feel safe and stable enough to be present, loving, and compassionate to myself. Maybe that is why I chose self-care, writing, yoga, and art journaling as my 100-day project. Self-care was what pulled me out of my depression in 2011, which gave me the space to discover art journaling. I've always loved writing but never really pursued it, and my yoga mat always felt like home.

I've got nothing

Fridays seem to be my day of doing absolutely nothing.

I laid in bed until around 2.

I did take a walk to the post office today. Enjoyed the warm weather, the wind, the feeling of spring.

I got a new stamp/stencil set to add to my art collection in the mail today. I'm hoping that the stencil set that I ordered will arrive tomorrow. And the 36 Gelatos that I won from an eBay auction *should* be here on Monday.

Yay, art!

This evening was spent working on hanging and putting away clothes and working on cleaning my room. My boyfriend and I each have separate rooms in our house. His room is his office, and mine has been a mess recently but it will be my space to get ready.

I'm now going to head downstairs to play with my art supplies and my art journals for about an hour. I have no idea what I want to do, but that's the purpose of this 100 days project. Show up, create something, and keep going.

I also realized today that I could take my @Soul.Speak.Creations Instagram account off of private. Maybe I'll tell the story behind that tomorrow or Sunday for my blog post.

Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling again, so I'm going to go. I hope you are having a lovely Friday!

100 Days Project. Take 3.

I decided to partake in the festivities of the 100 Day project this year. Again. I've tried the two previous years, and only made it about 7-12 days in and just stopped.

In 2016, I wanted to play with my Instax Mini and take at least one Polaroid picture a day. I made it almost two weeks, and then I realized that it was going to be an expensive project to keep up because that film ain't cheap!

In 2017, I was playing with my iPad and decided that I wanted to make a digital mandala every day. I loved it, but I definitely felt the limitations of my talent and patience. I think I made it at least a week and then stopped playing with that app. Time passed, I noticed that I was falling further and further behind and decided to stop caring about the 100 days project. Now that I'm reflecting on it, I may have to play with it once more.

About a week ago I started seeing people posting about this year's project. It slowly started reentering my periphery and I wondered if I should try again. If I do, what am I going to do for 100 days? 

At the same time that these posts kept showing up on Facebook and Instagram, I was starting to get reacquainted with my art journal. I reset my studio space where Embody Your Truth is based and I set up a little art table with all of my art supplies. I wanted to make my creativity as accessible as possible. 

Why not art journaling for 100 days? Sounds very possible. 

I also remember that last year I saw that someone was doing 100 Days of Self-Care, and I figuratively kicked myself thinking "why didn't I think of that? Self-Care is totally MY THING. My coaching business, my massage business, my yoga practice, my life are all based on self-care. It is my foundation. So why did I never feel compelled to dive deep and focus on this? 

Why not self-care for 100 days? Sounds totally doable and intriguing.

I've also been feeling incredibly disconnected from my yoga practice. This is a post I may or may not share a bit later, depending on how far down that rabbit hole I want to go. So I'm also thinking that I want to take these next 100 days to get back to what my practice means to me and let go of the energy that I've been holding onto surrounding the politics and bureaucracy of teaching for someone else.

Why not yoga for 100 days? Sounds like it's right up my alley.

This blog along has made me realize that I love sharing snippets of my day. I love writing, and I don't know what my voice sounds or reads like anymore. I've been on this really weird emotional journey the past year or so and I stopped journaling and writing and sharing a lot of myself online, and I feel very closed off. I want to get back to that, I want to be interested in sharing my thoughts, my experiences with others. I want to be comfortable with my thoughts again. 

Why not writing for 100 days? Sounds like it's needed.

So for the next 100 days, starting today I'm committing to four different things. Self-care, yoga, writing, and art journaling. 

All things that I love doing, but have grown apart from. These are all practices that are integral parts of my sanity, my growth, my evolution, my ability to process the world around me. Pieces of me that I've stopped paying attention to and caring for. And I've felt it deeply. So now its time to reclaim these for myself.

I'd love for you to follow along with me! It's all happening over on Instagram, and I may share some things on facebook. I'm most likely going to write about them as well.

My Instagram name for the self-care and yoga fun is @purplefeathers.

I created a separate Instagram account for my art and set it to private. If you are interested in seeing my art journal adventures you can follow me at @soul.speak.creations

Are you doing anything for the 100 days project? Share with me so I can follow you on your creative adventure!

Chicken Fried Rice!

Look at the time--it's 10:49. I'm arriving early at my blog! Maybe tomorrow I'll be even earlier!

Thanks for all of the lovely comments on my past few blog posts! It really does help me feel seen, heard, and not so alone. I'm trying my hardest to comment on three blogs a day, as well as respond to the comments that you all leave. Some days I can't get to all of it, but I am feeling the love. And I will continue to try to respond and connect with each of you :)

My plan for today *was* that I wanted to write a bit about my art and a personal experience that led to me creating my first two-part art journal page in years, but that will have to wait until tomorrow or even Friday when I have more time to sit and compose my thoughts, as well as having the energy and motivation.



Instead for tonight's blog entry, I am going to share with all of you my "recipe" for chicken fried rice! It's really easy and oh so yummy! When I first started making this, I ate chicken fried rice for dinner every night for a week. I was afraid that I would lose interest in it, but I haven't yet, and I still keep it as my "backup dinner" for those nights when I don't want to make something elaborate, but I'm also still trying to eat "healthy"

Okay, so enough chatting...Does anyone else ever get really annoyed with blog posts that promise you a recipe and then the writing just goes on and on and on and on and on? Or is that just me? :-P

First things first you need a package of frozen chicken fried rice from Trader Joes or any other grocery store around you.
**I've only ever had it from TJ's so I hope frozen CFR exists elsewhere!**
***You can also substitute frozen veggie fried rice, shrimp fried rice, or any other combination of fried rice***

Then you take extra veggies and cut them up. For me, that means just red, orange, and yellow peppers because I don't like most other vegetables. I cut up at least two whole peppers, so a lot of extra veggies.

So, you have your package of frozen fried rice and some extra veggies...I start warming up my pan with a little bit of sunflower oil and then sautee my peppers for about two minutes. Then I dump the ENTIRE BAG OF FRIED RICE into the pan. Stir it up, put the lid on the pan and wait a few minutes. Take the lid off, stir it some more, and keep cooking

The bag of CFR from TJ's says that it takes 5 minutes to make the serving size you put in the pan, but since I cook the entire bag at once I cook it for 10 minutes.

After about 7 minutes I then take some Sriracha and start adding some of that into the pan. I apparently like my CFR really spicy, because on occasion my man has commented that it smells like I'm cooking with the whole bottle of Sriracha!

If you don't have Sriracha, you can use any spicy chili paste or sauce that you have laying around, or keep it out if you aren't into that spicy food life.

And after it's been cooking for 10 minutes, it's time to turn off the stove, let it cool for a minute and then put it in a bowl, and stuff your face with the spicy goodness that is CFR.

OH OH OH OH OHHHHH...You can also add pineapple to it!!! I did this last night as an "experiment" and OH. MY. GOD. It was so feckin good!

I added the pineapple after it had been cooking for about 8 minutes, so the pineapple warmed up just a bit. And now I'm salivating thinking about how good that rice was, and I ate the rest of mine for dinner tonight!

See....this is what I mean when I said it's SOOOO good that I could probably survive on just this CFR, toast, and chocolate peanut butter smoothies and I'd be a happy girl.

Whooooo, it's 11:10 as I'm finishing. So I'm hitting publish (with spelling, grammar and sentance structure mistakes and all), and going to bed early.

Let me know what you think of this recipe! :) <3 p="">

The day where I wanted to do nothing

Apparently, I'm making a habit of waiting until 11 PM to write. 

Nothing exciting occurred today, other than me waking up and experiencing the day! Have to throw my sunshiney positivity around as much as I can when I have it. I've been experiencing major ups and downs, and some days it's a struggle. Like today. It was rainy and gloomy and I didn't want to do a damn thing.

But I did. I taught two yoga classes, went to Michaels, finished some art, and made some amazing chicken fried rice.

As long I write something today, it counts. Right? 

So this is my blog post for today, and I'll leave you with a little sneak peek of what I want to write about tomorrow...

Day 2.

Nothing fancy today. It's 11:05 and I'm just now sitting down to write. I'm more worried about my health and my finances, and my utter inability to be productive, than what I'm going to write.

Over the weekend I had some really weird stomach issues. Indigestion, perhaps. Bloatedness, a lot of gassiness, feeling incredibly uncomfortable all weekend. It started after a morning protein shake on Friday and progressed. I tried to not eat much on Sunday, knowing it had been a rough weekend on my body. Every night going to bed feeling unsettled if I laid on my right side, finding comfort on my left. The beer on Friday night and the slight hangover on Saturday definitely didn't help. Today I woke up feeling a bit better, but still wanting to take it easy. I had two massage clients today, so I ate after my first.

During the afternoon I had absolutely no desire to do anything, so I sat at my dining room table and watched art tutorials. Feeling bad for myself and guilty that I wasn't doing more around the house. This feeling comes up everytime my man works from home because my lack of ambition is on full display for someone else.

I also felt really tired like I just wanted to take a nap, so I laid down in bed at one point and started to re-watch Jesus Christ Superstar Live on Hulu.

Here I am at 11:11 now recalling how after I came home and ate, I laid back down to finish watching JC Superstar and starting really noticing how I felt. Started paying attention to how my left arm ached slightly, how my upper left abdomen was doing its fluttery thing that it does every so often. And now I'm worried that I'm possibly having some sort of heart issue.

This happened before back in December. It was to the point where my boyfriend drove me to the ER at 1 AM, but I couldn't make myself go in. I don't have insurance (haven't had it for a year), and I'm terrified of my hospital bills. I'm also not working steadily and I'm in this weird financial space that I'm kind of freaking out about, and I'm wondering if maybe I'm a hypochondriac who has panic attacks that manifest as physical symptoms whenever things feel like they are out of control.

God, I know I sound horrid in this light. I guess I just need this space to vent and get this all out so I'm not holding onto it before I go to sleep. This is definitely not where I anticipated tonight's entry going.

So I'm going to be real... *run on sentence time because I'm typing as I think*

I'm sad. I'm afraid that I'm having a heart attack at 33 and wont be able to go to the doctor because I'm terrified of the medical bills because I don't have a steady "job" because I am doing massage and teaching yoga and I had the "bright" idea that I could build my own practice so now I have to pay rent tomorrow for a new space and I don't even know enough people here to get clients and im afraid that my loving and quiet boyfriend is slowly going to resent me because im messy and I can't contribute financially to our relationship and all I want to be able to do is pay rent, get my car fixed, go out on dates and be able to pay for art supplies. And then I'm worried about my family and the boundaries that I had to put in place around my relationship with my mom and it's not lost on me that she's freaking out about heart problems at 60 and here I am at 33 freaking out about the same things. Even though I don't smoke and I have been working on processing my emotions and experiences I feel disconnected from my heart and the space that I want to feel and love from and damnit I want to see a therapist but again I feel like I can't afford anything in my life right now and I've been spending money on random art supplies and I'm just stressed and is this my bodies way of telling me to slow down and breathe or is she signaling to me that something deeper is occurring? why do I feel so lost and confused and sad and lonely?

I'm trying so hard to stay even slightly positive because for fuck's sake I have a man who loves me and supports me and isn't actually harboring resentment against me it's just my baggage that I need to set the fuck down, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to constantly wonder what is going on internally, and I want to be happy and settled and feel secure and stable. and I want to get all these damn bills taken care of and I want to be able to pay my own way.

There is so much heavy shit that is trying to come to the surface that I'm not surprised I'm feeling this way. Even as I'm typing and breathing I feel heavy, weighted down. Scared as if I can't move forward. And these are just words that I'm typing. I'm not even actually processing and acknowledging. Fuck, I'm messed up

On the bright side..I won an eBay auction for 36 brand new gelatos. Even though while I was waiting for the bidding to end I was having actual heart palpitations where I was super aware of my heart beating.

Maybe sleeping will help me with this after all. Go to bed, breathe, review my day through gratitude while cuddling up next to my man. Is it morbid to say that I pray that I wake up?

Heyyyy! It’s the April blog along!

I’m going to be blogging everyday in April...This is definitely not an April fools joke!

Well, I’m going to do my damndest to write and post everyday. It shall be an interesting experiment in consistency and follow through. 

I expect for some days to be light and fluffy and other days to be simply silly with nothing that makes sense, and the occasional day where I dive deep into the pool of introspection. 

It’s still the 1st, so I’m doing great!

I spent the day with my boyfriend’s family. Eating, visiting the cutest skittish pup, and an engaging Easter egg hunt, ending the evening watching the Jesus Christ Superstar Live musical.

It’s been a weekend driving back and forth between our house and the small town where his family’s home base is. An hour each way. I don’t mind it because I’m not the one driving, but I check in with my man regularly to see how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking about, and trying to find ways to take his mind off the monotony of the same drive over and over again. 

It’s time for me to sign off as I’m writing this on my phone in the dark because I want to make sure I start with everyone else. I’m in the energy of the group, surrounded by those I don’t yet know but hope to get more intimately acquainted with, sharing the beauty and wonder of our daily experiences, perspectives and adventures. 

500 Words. Day 7. Rest Day.

Today was a rest day. I called off because I still felt exhausted, and the start of my cycle occurred last night. The second day is always the worst with the cramps and the fatigue. 

I didn’t leave my bed, except to get tea in the morning, and once to check the weather outside. I really stayed in bed all day. Reading, watching tv shows on Hulu, wasting time. At first I felt great with taking this much needed rest, but as the day turned into night, I started feeling as if I *should* have accomplished something. How can I write on Instagram that it’s not selfish to take this time, that if you know what your body needs you should honor it, yet I turn around and feel guilt and embarrassment for doing absolutely nothing today?

Can I stretch out 500 words about me staying in bed all day, sleeping till 11, and doing nothing?

Mynx has been on the bed for most of the day with me, either curled up in a ball next to my feet, or sleeping on my lap. Honestly, I don’t think this is out of the ordinary for her, I actually feel that I’m getting a glimpse into what occurs everyday when I’m not here. She is very calm, and doesn’t ever cause any trouble. Except for when her cat tree was close enough to my turntable, and she decided to use the two as stairs to climb onto my dresser to knock over my tiny statues of Hindu deities, and push my candles around. I quickly stopped that habit by simply moving her cat tree over. Now she doesn't lay on it anymore, but this morning I did see her actually use it as as a scratching post! Success comes in many ways, and not always the ways you think.

I feel that I’m limiting myself with this writing “challenge”. I think that I’m not allowing myself to go far enough, to dig deep enough, not putting enough thought into it to make it worthwhile and interesting. I see all of these other people and what they are writing, and it’s I N T E R E S T I N G. Not my writing. Who cares that I’ve stayed in bed all day? That I’m barely scratching the surface of my feelings of guilt around taking care of myself. Is this an indication of how I live my life and interact with people? Giving them just enough to know that I’m human, that I have feelings and emotions, that I experience things, but never opening up enough to really connect? 

I’m craving connection and community with earnest at the moment. This is what happens when I lay in bed all day and realize that no one really knows about it. I’ve only had a few people tell me that they wish they could help me feel better in some way. Other people haven't even noticed. Come to think of it, most of the people that I call “friends” are people that I have to reach out to an initiate contact and conversation with. Do I even have people in my life who are interested enough in me to reach out first? Is this the shit that is going to come up and I’ll have to work through this year? It’s always something. And this entry definitely ended on a different level than I anticipated. 

500 Words. Day 6. Nothing of Interest.

Sniffling. Sneezing. Blowing my nose. Repeat. If i try to recall how today went, that is all that comes to mind. I’m tired of telling people that “I’m not sick.” I know my body, and I know how I feel when my body is working through allergies or a cold. Whatever. I’m just going to start telling people i’m sick so they will leave me the hell alone. 

If you can’t tell, i’m just a *little* bit cranky. I get like this when I don’t feel in prime health. All I want right now is to be laying down with someone who is playing with my hair. Simple relaxation and rest, and the comfort of another human being in close contact. Whenever I feel in ill health (whether it’s allergies, or actual sickness), I crave connection, and physical contact. I received so many hugs today because i simply needed that touch. The other best part of my day was laying on the couch in my break room at work, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. The few minutes of quiet meditation after that were alright as well.

I really don’t have much more to say today. It was cold and snowy, and nothing of interest happened to me. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are simply filler days to get me through the week. I go to work, do what needs to be done, talk to people, connect with coworkers, and then come home. They simply pass by in a blur. 

I sat and stared at the screen for several minutes just now. To me, this is the moment when I need to turn my computer off, lay in bed, and drift off to sleep. 

500 Words. Day 5. Catching up and cookies.

Not my cookies, but these do look delicious

Catching is up hard to do. I heard that once, maybe read it. Was it in a song? A movie? I just googled it, and apparently it’s a paper that analyzes the long term income of college graduates. Not exactly what I was talking about.

1500 words. Here we go…

I haven’t written since Thursday, and that was by choice. The Coach was in town, and I realized that I like to devote my time to him when he’s here. I tend to limit my time not only on social media, but also on my computer and on some work that needs to be done. I can’t help it. When you only see someone for 36 hours a week, you make choices. So this meant no writing, no vlog recording, no class planning. I am getting better at setting time restrictions though. I actually made it to work a bit early this morning because I finally respected my morning routine. 

It’s all a continuous work in progress.

That’s what happens when you let someone into your life, and you slowly let your guard down. 

I also told the Ranger that I couldn't spend the weekend with him. No fancy dresses or dinner for me. I’m being an “adult” by being financially responsible, and tracking my income/spending for the next month to better assist the major transition thats about to happen in my life.

I have so much on my to do list this evening. I feel as though I’m procrastinating, even with this writing being something to check off. Class sequencing, finding music, planning for a social media marketing meeting, creating flyers, recording my vlog.

…………….

This Saturday we went to a vegan food workshop that was being hosted by my yoga studio. It was low-key and very informative. I already knew some of the information that she shared about animal cruelty and the environmental implications, and learned some new things as well. I was really excited about the recipes, and I can’t wait to try them. As I was walking around Trader Joe’s this evening, I started researching how to make my own almond milk because the one recipe we learned about was hot chocolate! The presenter talked about how she makes her own almond milk, and it seems to be a very easy process. One more thing for me to use my vitamix for!

…………….

It’s now Monday evening. I was so tired last night that I couldn't continue. I was also stressing, so I focused on something else. What I’m not going to do is hold myself to this 2000 word mark since its now been four days. I will write what I want to write and as much as I want to write and that all be that. I’m resting at the moment after taking what was probably the hottest bath ever. Ever since Sunday morning, my sinuses have been acting up and draining, and today I felt foggy and tired. I know my body, and I know that I am not sick. Whatever is going on is allergy related because I keep sneezing. Always twice. This is all because of Saturday. Walking outside for 90 minutes while it was 40º, and then standing outside for 2+ hours when it was below 35º later that evening. PGH taco truck tacos are that good, but now I’m wondering if they were worth  me feeling like this today.

I was walking around Giant Eagle this evening after working at the spa, and I had ZERO patience for people. Someone broke a jar of honey and it was just laying on the floor next to a yellow “Caution: wet floor sign”. I should have taken a picture. As I was walking through the aisles, I realized that I was simply staring at the shelves and not really looking for anything. Plus the people walking past me were walk confused by the broken bottle of honey in the middle of the aisle, and had no idea what to do. If I wasn’t feeling like a walking zombie, I probably would have laughed at this. Anyways. I went there for two things: peach salsa, and jalapeño guacamole, and they didn't have either of them! I hardly ever shop there, and when I do decide to go, they don't have what I want. I ended up buying cookies. Great compromise.

I’m going to go eat some more of my cookies (because I can), and plan out the rest of my week. I would love to talk about how I’m freaking out because I have no idea how I’m going to accomplish everything that I should be doing, but I’m going to eat cookies.

500 Words. Day 4. Being Seen.

Tonight is going to be a practice in how fast I can write 500 words. Whenever I have to work at 8 am on Thursdays and Fridays I like to be in bed by 11 pm the night before. Of course this rarely happens, but it’s something I strive for. 

I’m sitting on my bed, does that count? No. Okay, fine.

I had so much planned for today, and none of it got accomplished. Car inspection, hair cut, writing, recording, class sequence planning, marketing. None of it. I did accomplish a meeting with one of my spa owners about assisting with the marketing, I had three massage sessions, and I received a massage, so the day wasn’t a total waste. 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I had no idea that by agreeing to teach a yoga class would cause me to dust off my marketing hat and wear it again. I love it though, even if it is a teensy teensy bit scary.

I have this fear of putting myself out there and failing, or being ridiculed.

BUT, the good thing is, according to my standards I have already failed and I’m still going! The only advertising I did for my Monday morning yoga class was a post on my Facebook page along with an instagram post. I knew no one was going to show up, and I was okay with that. Kind of. I haven’t done any marketing this week for it, so I’m assuming no one is going to show up next Monday. So there, failure with a big fat capital F. But I’m still here, still breathing, still excited about teaching. 

It’s uncomfortable, that’s for sure. I don’t know how to put myself out there and tell people about my classes. I am now offering a Sunday evening Yin class at the same studio, so that is one more thing that I get to tell people about. How do I market my classes? I have no idea, but I guess the beautiful thing about my word of the year (SEEN) is that no matter what I do, it’s progress!

How can I be seen today? 

I keep asking myself that. I’m putting myself out there by being here, showing up to the page every day. My blogging challenge. Instagram posts. Asking the owner of my spa to sit down and chat about marketing plans. I’m putting the energy out there that I’m a big deal and that I know what I’m doing. I’m showing the universe and the world that I am ready to be seen, and that is what I’m going to continue to do. Even if what I really want to do is lay in bed all day and surf the internet and eat Scandinavian Swimmers (those fuckers are going to be the bane of my fitness challenge). I did that a little bit this morning, minus the Scandinavian Swimmers, but I could feel my old habit of fear taking over action creeping up. I forced myself to get out of bed though. I’m so much happier that I did! See, today was an accomplishment!

500 Words. Day 3. My hips don't lie

I’m finding that it’s easier to write these days using the prompts that Ive been giving for my vlogging challenge. Taking my mind off of the task to try to figure out what to write, so that my fingers can simply fly over the keys as the words spill out. I’ve finished recording my video for today, and decided to start writing while it’s processing.

Today’s prompt is fitting perfectly with my desire to write about embodiment: what made you happy and sad today. If this isn’t a loaded fucking question with the way my life is at the moment.

Off topic: I bought a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joe’s. It’s their fancy, adult version of fruit snacks. They are fucking addictive. A serving size is 9, and I’ve only had them since last night, and the bag is already 2/3 of the way gone. This is why I can’t have sweets around me. I just want to gorge myself. Sugar is way to addictive for me.

Anyways… Was that a form of procrastination?

While I was working today, I noticed that my right hamstrings and my right gluten were sore and starting to hurt. As they day progressed, the pain was getting more noticeable, and it felt as if my entire right hip wanted nothing more than to tighten up and stop working. Subtle waves of nausea would hit me when I would need to lift my hip to walk, or if I shifted my weight from my right leg to my left. All I wanted to do was stretch my leg. Modified pigeon on a chair (because I have to stand all fucking day at work) or bending over into forward fold. But today was the day I decided to wear a dress to work because it was going to be 64º in February. So I suffered. 

As soon as I was done, I drove straight home and proceeded to lay on my floor and stretch the living daylights out of my hips. Nothing helped, and as I continued the nausea increase and then slowly morphed into sadness. 

The desire to cry was so there, but the emotion wouldn’t come. It lingered, simmering just below the surface. 

I went to the yoga studio (how fucking cool is it that I now have a studio to go practice in because i teach there?!) for class and since no one showed up I got to practice at my own pace. On my way home it hit me: I’m sad about how everything turned out with my home situation. I know that what is going on is for the best, but I am upset that I have to move AGAIN, after moving in September. I’m also upset because I really like the area that I live in, and even thought I’m super excited about where I am moving, It frustrates the hell out of me that I just came back to this neighborhood and now I’m leaving. I just want to yell and scream and cry. It’s overwhelming. 

To add a fucking cherry on top, I’m starting to get anxious about money, but that's a whole different blog topic. 

500 Words. Day 2. The color red

Here I am: at the blank page, the cursor blinking, and I don’t want to talk about embodiment coaching. I feel like I have so much to do, and I haven’t accomplished any of it. 

It’s now 11:00 at night, and I wanted to be in bed at this time. Taxes sidetracked me. I’m realizing that this year I’m going to need to have an accountant do my taxes for me. I guess that’s a good thing, right? 

Ok, what shall we discuss this evening? Don’t worry, I will be talking about embodiment coaching and yoga sometime soon, but not tonight. I just need to pound these words out and go to sleep. 

Shit. I didn’t even get to get my food ready for tomorrow. This is what happens when it’s wellness challenge time at work. 4 weeks of logging food, exercise, weight loss/gain/maintenance. I want to do well with this because this is the only time of the year that I give a shit about logging food and paying attention to what kind of exercise I do. All for a prize. I guess I’m easily motivated. Thankfully I am not competing against anyone because that would royally suck! I can hardly get the things done during the day that I have planned out, so I know there is no way that I would be able to compete against someone else when it comes to workouts, calories burned, blah blah blah.

I hope this is all very entertaining. I have no plans on editing this because I want to go to sleep. I’m not even tired, but I have to be to work at 9:30, and when I work all day at my main job I feel like I have no time to do anything else.

Looking at this entry, I really should have started this with “Dear diary.”

Ok. 200 more words to go.

I vlog-ed today about the color red. It was the prompt we were given. I rambled on about my work shirt, my badass vitamix, and my favorite water bottle. I can’t believe that I completely forgot to talk about Rubi! She is my most favorite red item that I own. I hope she doesn’t mind. 

The color red. I don’t have many clothes that are red. I think I may own a pair of underwear and a tank top that are red, but that’s it. I look good in red lipstick which I only learned last summer. I really should do my makeup more often, red brings out the green depths of my eyes. 

I find red to be passion, fiery hotness. It’s bold confidence. I despise wearing red at work though because I feel that in a retail environment it causes a subtle aggressive energy. I can’t wait for us to stop wearing red, but I have no idea when or if that will happen.

Did you know that red is associated with the root chakra? It’s all about stability, home, groundedness in your environment. Another topic for me to revise in a later blog entry.