Tuesday, January 19, 2016

500 Words. Day Four. Just trying to get by.

An appropriate representation of how I'm feeling today.

Hello day 4. The words are getting harder and harder to write as the days go on. I find myself with a lot more to say, but the resistance continues to grow. I worry about what people will think of my writing, because I am among some talented writers in this challenge. I had hopes that I would use these 30 days to write about my yoga practice, or even start to work on some material for my coaching practice, but it seems that it’s more of an outlet. That’s ok, I guess.

I’m right where I need to be, doing what I should be doing, and that is alright. I’m doing the best that I can, and I’m the only one that is being extremely hard on myself. I’m tired today, emotionally exhausted from this weekend. I’ve sequestered myself in my room, staying on my island (it doesn't make me feel so bad for not getting out of bed at all today), cuddling with Mynx. I’ve come to this page several times throughout the day, but left frustrated and worn out. 

I can’t think or focus on anything substantial. How am I going to get through 500 words today, if all I have to contribute is trivial? 

I was supposed to have a conversation with the Ranger today, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone today. I’ve picked up my phone several times, wanting to reach out to people, to connect, but I simply can’t today. Days like this are few and far between for me, but when they arrive, they take everything out of me.

Then the guilt arrives. The shame for withdrawing, the self-condemnation for not doing anything productive today. It’s a vicious cycle that repeats throughout the day. Moving from the warmth of my bed with the intention of doing something, feeling the weariness slowly taking over, retreating back to my blankets and cuddling with Mynx. Acceptance, gentleness, shame, guilt. Over and over again. 

I am aware that this is my cycle, that when I reach emotional burnout I need the quiet solitude to recharge. It never changes my feelings though. This recognition is surely a step in the right direction. The simple acknowledgment of my process, the act of allowing the natural flow of the day is definite progress. 

Instead of struggling to write the remaining 98 words, I’m going to return to Brooklyn Nine Nine and Mynx cuddles. I may read a magazine, but in this moment I’m drawn more to the mindless activities that will keep me warm and help me find humor in the situation.

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