Friday, January 15, 2016

500 Words a Day. Day 1. Trying this again. Watch out for the anger.

Trying to stay above the surface of my emotions.

Here we go. Round two. This is going to be very stream of consciousness because why the fuck not? My punctuation may not even make sense. That is what happens when I write and I'm reacting. I'm angry as fuck right now. Angry at people and situations that I can not control. I can only control my thoughts, and my reactions, and all I can focus on is the very visceral unease rolling around in my center. 

When your home environment is disrupted, how can you calmly work through anything? How can I continue to stay sane when it's my home environment that is causing the anger, the frustration? 

Then I start to think "what if it's me?" What is it about myself, my personality, my way of living? What causes me to have issues with conflict, with other people in close spaces? Is it just females that I have issue with, or would it be anyone?

The turmoil makes my heart hurt. Being aware of other people and their reactions (and trying to face the entire situation with love and compassion), reminding myself that deep down it’s not really about me. It’s all so much.

I’ve been noticing that since November whenever I brush or wash my hair  I feel that I'm losing a good amount of hair. Yesterday I mused to a friend “what if its because of the underlying stress of my home life?”

I don’t like conflict. I’ve never liked yelling or fighting. I have been actively working on myself  for the past few years and trying to dissolve my passive aggressive tendencies that I picked up as a defense mechanism from my childhood. When I am accosted with passive aggressiveness, my first instinct is to hit. hard. Not physically, but with words. I can be ruthless. I can eviscerate you and cause a lot of emotional damage. I don’t want to do that. In the moment of my angry reactions, I feel that I would find great satisfaction in that, but I know that my mom was right when she always advised me “to be the bigger person”.

It’s so fucking difficult to be the bigger person and practice love and compassion when your own fucking roommate has it out for you and your cat. A fucking cat. A defenseless creature. It’s even more difficult when both of your roommates team up against you. When one has an authority complex, and the other goes along with whatever the wannabe dictator says. 

Honestly, I have no idea what I did that caused this discord. Was it that I simply stand up for myself? I can look back on the last few months and see that I’m not perfect, but there are always two sides to a story. If I am the only one willing to do this type of reflection then it’s a moot point. 

I could go on and on about this. Trying to dissect and observe, but I simply don't know how anymore.  I don’t even know how to move forward in this situation. All I know is that I am not laying down and allowing anyone to walk all over me. We are all in our thirties, let’s start acting like adults. Respect me as a human, and I will do the same. I know that it will be better for me in the long term to forgive, but right now when I’m in the middle of the muck its fucking hard to do.

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