Tuesday, January 26, 2016

500 Words. Day 7. They say action cures fear.

Can I just write about my weekend? I do have to come up with 1,500 words to make up for not being at my computer. I’m sure that I can figure out a way to make it through this in one sitting. Ha, just kidding! I know have to make up some days, and that’s life. I’ll add them to the end of the challenge, or maybe I’ll write longer posts. 

This could potentially be about absolutely nothing now that it is Tuesday, and I’ve been busy, and every time I come to my computer I’m tired and it’s late. I’m also finding that I am censoring myself, and keeping my thoughts away from the page. I’ve gone through and limited my Facebook access so that certain people in my life don’t have the privilege of access to my life, but this page is public. 

I really do need to get over this fear of being seen by others and offending people by talking about what I am experiencing. Everything that has been happening in my life recently has been a huge lesson in perception, awareness, and truth. I’m having deeper conversations with people, and keeping myself open to those that I’ve been open with, but it’s the people that I’m closed off to that I’m worried about. 

I especially notice it when I’m at work. I willingly talk about the things that are going on in my life:  the interactions, conversations, confrontations, decisions, possibilities, fears, and I talk about them freely with the people I work with. If someone simply asks me “how are you today?”, I share it all. 

But it’s different when I come to a blank document on my computer to start writing. I freeze up, close off, and have no idea how I want to start. It wasn’t like this the last time I tried participating in this challenge, I simply stopped writing. This time I can tell that I’m trying to protect myself, but I have no idea what I’m protecting myself from. 

It all comes back to being seen and making people happy. I want people to like me and I sometimes limit myself in order for that to occur, but then I’m miserable because I’m not being true to who I am. If I am to put myself out there in the digital world (or even my physical reality), then I should work through whatever resistance and fear I have around telling my story. I have heard and read it several times that ‘to put oneself out there you have to be okay with ruffling some feathers.” That is totally paraphrased by the way but it’s true. How do I do this though when I’m worried about ruffled feathers? I want everyone to be happy, including me. Is that even a possibility?

I’m grateful for being able to acknowledge the space that I am in, the resistance that I’m feeling, and the reasons behind my inaction.

I have a sticker that says “Action cures fear”. I think this needs to be my motto this year.

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