Friday, January 22, 2016

500 words. Day 6.

I’m tired. It’s late. My brain is hazy with the thoughts of curling up with Mynx under the blankets and drifting off to sleep. 

I really have no words to share. I think back to my day and what I’ve done, but in these moments as sleep gently nudges me, I can’t find a story to bring to the page. 

I’m paying attention to where my thoughts go during the day, and I’m realizing that I have plenty of stories that I want to share. I simply need to show up and write, even if it is crap.

I could write about taking a nap today in between jobs, and being so cold that I don’t think I actually slept. Or about how I broke down in tears on my drive to my second job because I simply couldn't hold in the emotion in any longer.

There is the excitement of being one step closer to teaching an *actual* yoga class, in an actual studio space. The thought of putting myself out there is slightly terrifying, but it is something that I’ve wanted to do since I came home from training last year.

I would love to talk about how I’m having a recurring thought run through my head as I go through all of this turmoil. “I’m upleveling.”

This fits quite nicely with the video that I watched earlier in the week talking about how lobsters grow. Their shell becomes too confining, too uncomfortable, so they have to take some time to expose themselves and lay down their old shell so they may grow a new one.

How many fucking times in the span of a year can I, must I, have to expose myself, be vulnerable, lay my shell down so that I can grow? It’s been one hell of a fucking year. 

Yoga Teacher Training. My mountain man. Saying no to forever, reclaiming space. The shutout. The lake house. The goodbye. The new place. The bruise. The Ranger. My third heartbreak in four months. Rubi. The questioning. The Coach. The opening. The climber. The silence. The apology. The heater. 

As I’m typing this list I’m realizing that I want to give a voice to all of my stories. This thought terrifies me. The opening, the shifting, the vulnerability. I don’t know if I can do it, but I’ll try.

Not 500 words, but close enough for today.

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