Saturday, June 13, 2015

500 Words. Day 18. Still nothing.

Day 18. Still nothing. It’s hard to write lately, mainly because I feel weary, weighed down. I’m not taking care of myself the way I should be. My sleep habits have suffered, I’ve gained weight, I’m not doing yoga, barely writing. It takes vast amounts of effort to show up here, and when I do sit down with my laptop, my brain goes quiet. 

These are the times that I need my pen and pages the most. When I am disgusted at the thought of opening myself up and coming face to face with what I’m feeling. These are the moments when I make the decision to keep going on this path and stay the course that leads to depression,  or speak to myself with firm gentleness and start taking care of myself. 

20 years of on and off again therapy has brought me this far. I am able to recognize these pivotal moments. these forks in the road. Some times I knowingly head down the darker path, sometimes I stay to the right and continue on in the light. I don’t know which path I’m choosing this time, because each moment is different. Every moment is it’s own. 

All I can do this evening is be aware of where I am on this journey, be present in this moment right here. I don’t want to debate the ins and outs of emotions, mental fatigue, depression, anxiety, or anything of the sort. I simply don’t have the energy to spend on that. I am using all of my energy to be grateful for this moment-sitting propped up against my hippo pillow, Emmett sprawled out to my left, the volume turned down  while Rising Appalachia drifts from my laptops speakers, the hum of the A/C, the quiet of being the only on in the house. 

I took a version of the Myers-Briggs personality test today. I’m an INFP. More on that later. 

For now, some journaling for a course I’m taking, maybe a bit of line drawing, and then sleep.

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