Wednesday, June 10, 2015

500 Days. Day 19, err 16. Resistance

I didn't realize until I opened up a new document to start typing, that it had been four days since I posted. So much for daily writing. Even if I tried, I couldn't tell you where the last four days have gone. I try to remember, and looking back is hazy. All of my days are running together. The only thing that stands out is the little bits of painting I have done every day. In some aspect I am still being creative daily, and that is all I can muster right now.

I've hit the resistance plateau in both my writing and my art. Being able to acknowledge it is a step in the right direction. I feel tired today, even though I've been getting enough sleep. Typing words to meet a quota, that is what I feel is happening here. It has to so that I can continue on, moving across this plateau and up to the next step.

The painting pictured above is my current WIP. I am beyond frustrated because I have a very vivd image in my mind that I can not get onto the canvas.

My dreams Sunday evening were intensely vivid, and I woke up fatigued and exhausted Monday morning. This has happened a few times over the past several years. I dream so intensely, it's as if I was actually participating and using up all of my energy.

Multiple tornadoes. Running. Trying to convince people they should come with me to safety. Standing in basements of tall buildings in open fields with open spaces where floor to ceiling windows should be. Standing in these open spaces surveying the damage from these tornadoes. So much activity, no wonder I had no energy to do anything after waking. Maybe I didn't even sleep.

In this dream, or dreams, while I was in the basement I remember receiving a message to "root down". I say receiving because it seemed like a narrator to this dream was telling me this. I didn't read it, or speak it. I didn't even think it. To me it is more of a knowing, a brilliant flash of knowing. Upon waking, I knew that I needed to paint a person meditating next to a tree against a fiery background. Both the person and the tree rooting into the ground. The image in my mind looks nothing like my current painting, and it is incredibly maddening. Knowing that I have this intense vision, this feeling, that needs to be poured out onto the canvas, yet not being able to accurately bring that feeling to life? It's disheartening, and embarrassing. It brings up all of these feelings of not being good at painting, and maybe I shouldn't even waste my time. If I give up though, I'm not even giving myself the chance at improving. Same goes with my writing. Even if I don't like it, and I don't want to do it, I need to show up and keep going.

I know this is all a part of the creative process, but damn it. I want it to look the way it looks in my mind RIGHT NOW!

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