Friday, June 12, 2015

500 Days. Day 17. Showing up. Diving deep.

The perfect time to write? Right now. While waiting for the gesso to dry on the next canvas to be painted. What will show up? I have absolutely no idea. I’m going in blind.

There was no writing or painting yesterday because it was Kennywood day! I love amusement parks when they aren’t crowded, and the weather isn’t too hot. Yesterday was perfect. The lines were short, the most we waited for a ride was 15 minutes, and we rode most of my favorite rides. The Pirate Ship was closed though. 

It was the exact kind of day I needed. Excercise, thrills, warm weather, not having to think about anything else. I’ve been really stressed lately, and a lot of this stress is from my own doing. It was nice to escape. Everyone needs to escape everyonce in a while, but it shouldn’t happen on a regular basis. 

The only one who will make me show up is me. Even when I have people in my corner rooting for me, cheering me on, I am the only one who can make the moves. I’m learning that a lot of my resistance is of my own making. 

When it comes to writing, painting, creating videos, teaching yoga, starting a business, and anything else that puts me out there, I’m realizing that I am my own roadblock. I had a revelation the other day that I can’t remember anyone ever telling me that I wasn’t good at something. 

Singing for example. I was in choir when I was in high school, and I sang all of the time. No one ever told me that I sucked, or that I wasn’t good enough. I stopped singing because of a trivial experience. When I tried out for a musical, my friend at the time ended up choosing the same song I had been practicing for my try outs after she had practiced for weeks with a different song. We ended up going in and trying out together, and she went first. When she played the song I was using, I was crushed. I don’t remember how I sang during my audition, but I can remember feeling defeated when I saw that she ended up getting a role in the play, and I was in the ensamble. 

I honestly can’t recall anything else about this, other than I didn’t do the musical because I moved. I don’t remember how she sang, or how I sang, or any other pieces of importance, but I still remember that feeling. 

I’m having a lot of these moments lately. I’m becoming more introspective about the limits I have placed on myself. I’m coming face to face with where these limits started in my past, and the deeply held feelings I have around them.

I’m very grateful for both of my writing and painting challenges, because they are helping me create the space needed to delve deep into myself. It’s all about creating space to grow and that is exactly what is happening, even when I recognize that I’m resisting showing up to the page or canvas.

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