Tuesday, May 26, 2015

500 Words. Day 4. Don't waste your time reading.

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with today's entry.

This should actually be my day 5 entry, but Memorial Day happened. I decided yesterday that if I didn't write I wasn't going to be upset. I didn't want to come up with excuses for my non action if it occurred because I had so many other things to do. Clean the house, make sangria, go shopping for meat to grill. I know how I work. It takes me a long time to do most things. I get distracted,  I look at my phone, change the music station on Spotify, eat something, check Facebook, play games, clean a bit. What would probably take a "normal" person an hour to do, takes me two. I procrastinate, a lot. I've been that way my entire life. At least I'm coming to accept that about myself. It only took me 30 years.

Which I wonder about. This accepting of myself, is it really defeat? Am I giving up on any notion of improvement, or am I being down right lazy? Or is it that I am finally recognizing a facet of myself that makes me unique? I like that one. I'm going to believe that my procrastination makes me unique.

This is a rough entry today. I really have nothing to say. It's only day 4/5 and I'm already worried that I'm losing steam. There go my lofty ambitions of writing witty stories for the next 30 days. Always getting my hopes up. Thanks Kathleen. I guess I can write utter nonsense one day and allow it to count. I am writing today, and that is something major! I don't want to count my words yet to see how much further I have to go, so I'm not going to.

I bought two 18x24 canvases yesterday. They are staring at me from across the room. If I tilt my head one way, they beckon with an excitement of possibility. If I cock my head the other way then they are imposing, unnerving, stark. I'm thrilled that I'm exploring the world of abstracts, but I'm already getting in my own way. I really can't understand why I am not ok with being a beginner. I start many projects, trying out new activities and then I quit them just as quickly as I started. So. Fucking. Frustrating. Oh hey, here's a part of my procrastination habit that I don't find endearing or unique. I want to be good at something, but I'm scared that I will totally suck. So I play for a bit, and then walk away.

I really am amazed at the meandering that occurs when I write. There are no clearly marked paths, no straight lines, but there are plenty of zigs and zags, hairpin turns, steep inclines and descents. This is a side to my writing that I can work on over the next month. Focus and direction.

I really hope no one reads this. That is the only sentiment running through my mind. This has been a waste of time. Extremely boring entry today.

*Trodding along in the 500 Words/30 Days "not a challenge" with Kale & Cigarettes.

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