Sunday, May 24, 2015

500 Words. Day 3. Telling stories with paint.

No name, created this morning be me

I wanted to try to tell a story today, but I don't know which story I would tell. Plus my hands are messy with paint.

I painted this morning, and I painted yesterday. I sat on my floor, swirled paint around on a paper plate, and smeared paint on a canvas. I browsed Pinterest for inspiration, because I am really drawn to abstracts at the moment and I wanted to try using gold leaf. This now makes me wonder why I can't just get down and dirty with a canvas without first looking for something to base it off of. Honestly, the finished product NEVER looks like what I'm basing it off of, but I would love to have these ideas swirling around in my head, clamoring to be created and shared with the world. Will that happen if I continue to show up and get my hands messy with paint?

We are hosting a party tomorrow for Memorial day. The obligatory BBQ and hanging out in the backyard while drinking and shortened work day type of shindig. I should be cleaning the house, doing yard work, and then going to the store for meat to grill, but priorities. Painting and writing come first. Even before I shower. That's when I know that creativity has me by the hand, and is pulling me along while promising me an adventure. 

I am struggling to write today. I want to tell you about my day and the things I have planned. Will that sound trite? It seems boring to me. That's why I struggle with journaling, and I also used to struggle with therapy. I simply wanted to recount my days, my experiences. I wanted the opportunity to share the things I would do differently if I had a do over. I've slowly gotten out of that rut with journaling, but I haven't seen my therapist in over a year. It simply feels like too much work to call her and schedule and go through the niceties of catching up. Plus, I don't feel as if I'm in the dark spaces and places that I used to visit regularly back then. The beauty of my relationship with my therapist is that it has helped me realize that I can recognize when I'm headed in those places, and reach out if I need to.  

Well, that took a different turn than I expected. Is this how the next 30 days is going to play out? I'll sit down with the intention of writing about painting and my inability to tell a story, and then take a dive deeper into my thoughts and come face to face with pieces of myself that I don't pay attention to on a daily basis? If so, will anyone still be here to read my words in 30 27 days? Is anyone here now? 

Which now makes me question why I'm doing this. Am I doing this so that people have something to read, or am I doing this for myself so I can become more intimately acquainted with writing? Maybe it's a little bit of both. There is some part of me that is craving connection and attention, and that is why I blog, and share my paintings with friends. Even the funky ones that I don't particularly care for.   There is a part of me, big or small, that wants affirmation and confirmation that what I'm doing is alright and not downright terrible. Hello, human condition. Welcome to my blog.

The funkiest flower I've ever picked. Created by me

*I'm still taking part in this not challenge! 500 Days/30 Words via Kale & Cigarettes

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