Saturday, May 23, 2015

500 Words. Day 2. I will wait.


not my picture, but it reminds me of waiting.


I've been listening to Mumford and Sons a lot lately. There is something about their lyrics, and the notes and melodies of the banjo. I don't even pretend to know much about music, I simply listen to the music that reverberates in my heart and make me shiver.

I wrote once:

"There are never any regrets. I don't live in the past. 
Tomorrow is never promised. I don't look to the future. 
I live in the moment. Today is all I have. 
I can find my moment in the lyric of a song, the lens of my camera, or the stroke of a pen." 

Upon reading these words, I can immediately remember that girl who thought those words, I can feel her assuredness, her confidence, her desire to live in the present and feel everything to the fullest. I wonder at times where has she gone, and then I come back to myself. Time and time again. I have never left, but I have grown up, grown wiser. I have experienced joy and heartache. Anger and ignorance. Pure happiness and conviction. Love, dismay, sadness, compassion, strength. All of these things and more. The layers have piled up around me, and sometimes I can feel the subtle nudges of something underneath all of this.

I remember one day at yoga teacher training, we attended a sound healing workshop. This was right in the middle of our three week immersion, and I was in the process of shedding some old ideas and perceptions. I felt raw with emotion that I had tried for so long to hide and suppress, exposed and vulnerable. I have trouble standing there feeling like I'm open and everyone can see my insides. It's incredibly uncomfortable. I was nervous because I had no idea how to navigate this terrain, afraid of what I may see or feel. I'm trying not to edit any of this and I can feel that same feeling now as I type. The feeling of being seen, being vulnerable. 

I have so many feelings to describe the sound healing workshop, but I simply can't write about it. Not right now. What I want to talk about is the feeling afterwards. The feeling of being connected to the sound, the vibrations. Feeling the connection in both my physical and spiritual body. Feeling so open, so free, so connected to all parts of me. Which meant that I felt connected to everything and everyone else around me. I was floating, flying high. I walked across the street to get food, and I still to this day think that I didn't step one foot on the ground. My smile was so wide, and so bright. My heart was so open, so loving. I simply wanted to love.

I still want to love. Openly, freely. Without worry of how others will perceive me. I want to share my love and hold space in my heart for everyone in my life. I am reminded of this when I listen to music and feel it in my body. How I emotionally respond to lyrics such as:

"Now I'll be bold, as well as strong, and use my head along side my heart." 

I desire to reconnect with that girl, who I still am, who lives for the present. I plan on finding my moments, all of them. In the lyrics, in the pictures, in the words that spill out on to the page or the screen. I will wait in all of these moments, to be fully present, for anyone else to join me. If they don't I will still wait. For the next moment.

*a 500 words/30 days experience along with Kale & Cigarettes

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