Today was a rest day. I called off because I still felt exhausted, and the start of my cycle occurred last night. The second day is always the worst with the cramps and the fatigue.
I didn’t leave my bed, except to get tea in the morning, and once to check the weather outside. I really stayed in bed all day. Reading, watching tv shows on Hulu, wasting time. At first I felt great with taking this much needed rest, but as the day turned into night, I started feeling as if I *should* have accomplished something. How can I write on Instagram that it’s not selfish to take this time, that if you know what your body needs you should honor it, yet I turn around and feel guilt and embarrassment for doing absolutely nothing today?
Can I stretch out 500 words about me staying in bed all day, sleeping till 11, and doing nothing?
Mynx has been on the bed for most of the day with me, either curled up in a ball next to my feet, or sleeping on my lap. Honestly, I don’t think this is out of the ordinary for her, I actually feel that I’m getting a glimpse into what occurs everyday when I’m not here. She is very calm, and doesn’t ever cause any trouble. Except for when her cat tree was close enough to my turntable, and she decided to use the two as stairs to climb onto my dresser to knock over my tiny statues of Hindu deities, and push my candles around. I quickly stopped that habit by simply moving her cat tree over. Now she doesn't lay on it anymore, but this morning I did see her actually use it as as a scratching post! Success comes in many ways, and not always the ways you think.
I feel that I’m limiting myself with this writing “challenge”. I think that I’m not allowing myself to go far enough, to dig deep enough, not putting enough thought into it to make it worthwhile and interesting. I see all of these other people and what they are writing, and it’s I N T E R E S T I N G. Not my writing. Who cares that I’ve stayed in bed all day? That I’m barely scratching the surface of my feelings of guilt around taking care of myself. Is this an indication of how I live my life and interact with people? Giving them just enough to know that I’m human, that I have feelings and emotions, that I experience things, but never opening up enough to really connect?
I’m craving connection and community with earnest at the moment. This is what happens when I lay in bed all day and realize that no one really knows about it. I’ve only had a few people tell me that they wish they could help me feel better in some way. Other people haven't even noticed. Come to think of it, most of the people that I call “friends” are people that I have to reach out to an initiate contact and conversation with. Do I even have people in my life who are interested enough in me to reach out first? Is this the shit that is going to come up and I’ll have to work through this year? It’s always something. And this entry definitely ended on a different level than I anticipated.